Jenny's side of the story
by Betty Drake
Summary: Jenny finds herself in an unfortunate situation with Gibbs. First it's gonna be a messed up love story. After a while Jenny will find herself in a really dark place. Contains depression & self-harm. (TRIGGER WARNING!) Based on real events. Jenny's & Gibbs' personalities are not the same as on the show. I just wanted them to tell my story. Tell me what do you think! :)
1. The first signs

**Jenny and Andy belonged to the same group of friends. Andy introduced her boyfriend, Gibbs to her friends in 1997. They hung out together a lot and Gibbs became part of the group. He and Jenny got along really well.**

**This is just a little background information. This first chapter may seem a little lame but keep reading because the story will get interesting and complicated and it's not gonna be all about Gibbs (and we'll barely see Andy), although Gibbs is gonna be an important part of the story. Give it a try! Keep reading! Don't stop at the first chapter!**

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><p><strong>December 23, 1998<strong>

A day before Christmas Jenny, Gibbs and Andy went to a Christmas party with some friends to a pub. They were having a great time together, drinking, talking, having fun. Around midnight Andy and others went out to have a smoke. Jenny and Gibbs were sitting on a couch. As they were sitting there their bodies were slightly touching. They were drinking bourbon and enjoying the little quiet around them. Gibbs suddenly turned to Jenny and said:

_- Why don't you have a boyfriend?_

Jenny was kind of surprised by this question, she didn't really know what to say so she let out a little laugh.

_- Excuse me? I don't know. I just don't have a boyfriend. Why?_

_- Well, isn't there anyone you fancy? For example is there someone here who you fancy? Out of your friends?_

_- What? No. I mean, everyone I like fancies one of my friends. Never me. So I don't waste my time on them. I won't force myself on anyone who wants to be with someone else. I'm not competitive in this area._

_- I don't get this. You have great boobs and ass. You are smart, funny, nice. How come you don't have a boyfriend?_

_- Well, obviously you drank too much tonight. But why do you care if I have a boyfriend or not?_

_- It's just weird that a woman like you don't have someone._

_- Maybe I'm too complicated for men._

_- I doubt it._

They were taking a sip from their drinks and smiling.

_- You know what. If I wouldn't be together with Andy then you would be my girlfriend._

Jenny didn't know what to say to this. It was unexpected and so wrong but in some ways felt so good. She knew that he only said these kind of things because he was drunk but it felt really nice to hear it from him. He was kind to her most of the times and she liked him. She felt like they have a connection. But she had never thought of him in a romantic way. He was her friend's boyfriend for god's sake.

She shook her head and giggled. This conversation was surreal. Then a minute later Andy and their friends came back and the night went on like nothing had happened.

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><p><strong>Keep reading! The first 2 chapters are really short and they only relevant because I had to start the story somehow and explain some things. I realized that people lose interest after they finished this chapter that's why I'm writing this. From the 3rd chapter things get interesting.<strong>


	2. Off to Paris

**May 18, 1999**

Jenny, Gibbs and Andy were at the airport, waiting for the flight to Paris. Jenny and Gibbs were working together at the time and they got a special job that took place in Paris. They had to go undercover for a while. Andy was a little bit jealous because she could see how well Jenny and Gibbs got along and she was suspicious but Jenny couldn't do anything about that. They had a job to do. Andy tried to understand that. But still the thought of the two of them together in another continent was irritating. It seemed like Andy trusted him but she didn't trust Jenny. She knew Jenny long before Gibbs and she knew Jenny wasn't the kind of woman who threw herself at guys but still she was worried about her not Gibbs. Jenny realized that something was up with Andy but she didn't know what to do so she let it be.

It was time. Jenny and Gibbs had to leave. Andy gave Jenny a hug.

_- Take care. See you soon._

Then she went to Gibbs and gave him a passionate kiss and she made sure that Jenny sees it. That kiss was a message to Jenny that said: "back off, he's mine". Jenny felt a little bit uncomfortable.

_- Sorry Andy but we have to go. Don't worry he'll be back soon. -_ said Jen.

_- Bye baby. Take care. I miss you already. Love you. - _said Andy.

Jen had always felt a little disgust when women were so slushy with their boyfriend or whatever. She actually pitied them. Jenny was not that kind of woman. For her being like that felt so strange. Times like this she didn't understand what Gibbs saw in her. But it was none of her business.

-_Andy, come on, I really have to go now. See you soon. Love you. - _said Gibbs and it seemed that he felt uncomfortable with her attitude too. He kissed her, said goodbye and left with Jenny.

_- She acts like you are going away for a year. - _said Jen with a smile on her face as they were heading towards the plane.

_- Kind of embarrassing, isn't it? - _said Gibbs jokingly.

_- Well, it was a little embarrassing but at least there's someone who'll miss you while you are away._

They looked at each other and then they were off to Paris.


	3. What happens in Paris

After they landed they went to the hotel to refresh themselves and get ready to work. They only booked one room since it was all about the work it would be a waste of time to spend time apart.

They spent the first night working. They did what they had to. They made a good team. The next day they still had some job to do but for the second night Gibbs had other plans.

- _Jen, what do you think about dinner?_

_- That we should order something because I'm getting hungry._

_- What if we would go out for dinner tonight? The job is done for now and we deserve some fun. Come on, what do you say?_

_- Okay, alright, I'm in._

_- Great. Did you pack something nice to wear?_

_- Why would I? We came to work. I didn't expect us to have any leisure time._

_- Then go and buy something. We are in Paris. And we are about to go out to have dinner. You can't just go to a restaurant in jeans and T-shirt. Come on, have a little fun!_

_- Alright. But wait, what about you? Did you bring a suit with yourself?_

_- Well, to be honest I did._

_- Why would you? ... You planned this all along, didn't you?_

_- I was hoping that it won't be all work._

Jenny was looking at him, a little smile appeared on her face then she rolled her eyes and said:

_- See ya._

Jen went to buy a pretty dress and high heels for tonight. She wasn't sure what was happening but she didn't want to overthink the situation. She just wanted to feel good tonight, have a lovely dinner with a friend/her boss. She wanted life to be as simple as that. Only if it's just for one night. She was in Paris with a good company. She wanted to enjoy it to the fullest and not to think about anything or anybody else. She bought the dress and heels quickly, she didn't spend too much time shopping. She went back to the hotel to get ready. Gibbs was already dressed up in a suit that looked really good on him.

- _That was quick. I hope you actually bought a dress not just came back empty-handed._

_- Don't worry. I bought a dress and high heels._

_- I can't wait to see it. Hurry up._

_- I'll be ready in 15 minutes._

_- I doubt it. Most women spend at least an hour at the bathroom._

_- Well, I'm not most women._

She gave him a huge smile and closed the bathroom door behind her. After 15 minutes the door opened and Jen came out. Gibbs was sitting on the side of the bed while waiting and the moment he saw her he was slowly standing up, completely dazzled by Jen. She was absolutely gorgeous.

_- So? What do you think?_

_- You look radiating._

She let out a little giggle while looking down at the floor in front of her. Then she looked up at him.

_- Thank you. You are handsome too in this suit. You should wear it more often._

_- Can we go?_

_- Yes, of course._

And after exchanging a smile they left the room. They found a little restaurant nearby the hotel. It was quiet and friendly. Plus it was a little romantic. It suited this night perfectly. This atmosphere. Jenny and Gibbs enjoyed themselves to the fullest. They drank quite a bit, ate delicious food and had the best time together. They could both feel some attraction towards each other and they did flirt but Jenny didn't feel that she did something wrong.

Around 11 they felt that they were wasted so they left the restaurant and headed back to the hotel. Before they arrived, while they were walking on the street Jen accidentally tripped. Gibbs automatically caught her and they were standing in the middle of an empty street, hugging each other. For Jenny it felt like the whole world disappeared and they were the only two person who existed. While they were hugging their faces touched and she slowly turned her head like she wanted a kiss. He suddenly turned his head away, trying to show her that they shouldn't do this. Jen realized what he wanted to say with this and stopped and went back to hugging. It felt bad that he didn't want to kiss her but she totally understood it. But after some seconds Gibbs pulled away a little but stayed just as close so their mouth could almost touch. They felt each other's breath and some seconds later he suddenly kissed her. It was passionate, wild, filled with heat and desire but at the same time it was soft. When they stopped they realized what happened. Jen was still under the ecstatic experience that this kiss gave her but Gibbs seemed to be more sober. He took some steps away from her and went like:

_- Oh my god, I can't believe this, this shouldn't happen, shit._

He was pacing around. As soon as Jen could use her brain again she said:

_- It's fine, okay, don't worry, we didn't do anything wrong._

_- What are you doing to me? I knew this was going to happen._

_- What? Look, everything's fine. Nobody's going to know about this. It's our secret. Just calm down._

_- Shit. I can't believe this._

_- Look, let's go back to our room, okay? Just calm down._

_- Okay._

For some minutes it felt like this kiss ruined their night. Jen didn't regret it but it hurt her a bit that it looked like he felt really bad about it. She didn't want him to regret their first kiss. They were drunk and it just happened. She didn't think of Andy even for a second. She didn't realize that she just kissed her friend's boyfriend. None of these things occured to her at that time.

From her point of view the situation was this: she was in Paris with a friend who was actually nice to her, cared about her and understood her. She trusted him in a way she didn't trust anybody else. Andy was her friend but to be honest they weren't as close as people may thought. Jen didn't think of Gibbs as Andy's boyfriend anymore. She thought of him as her friend. And out of all her friends Gibbs was the only one who treated her like she mattered.

She didn't plan the kiss, it happened in the heat of the moment and for Jenny it felt so right. Everybody else in the world would thought of her as a bitch for kissing her friend's boyfriend. People would be judgemental. They wouldn't believe that this wasn't her plan all along and everyone would feel sorry for Andy and call Jen a stone-hearted whore. What people wouldn't realize is that the situation was way more complicated than this and feelings were messy. Jenny didn't feel guilty. She felt happy and amazing. She didn't feel like this in a really long time. She wanted to enjoy the one thing that made her happy at the moment. She didn't want to think about anybody else. She knew that nothing will change after this. And she didn't want anything to change. She didn't want Gibbs to leave Andy. She didn't want to hurt anybody. She knew pain too well. She didn't want to cause anybody any pain. She just wanted to feel good for a little. She wouldn't tell anybody about this night. She knew really well how to keep secrets. She knew it through her whole life.

They went up to their room. They didn't talk on the way back to the hotel. They were both still too drunk.

Jenny changed her clothes in the bathroom. As she got back she found Gibbs in a T-shirt and underpants standing next to the bed. He knew that what they did was wrong but the desire he had for her was stronger. She was wearing a black lace top and a black lace thong. She was slowly walking to the bed and laid down on it. Gibbs was trying to figure out what to do. She was laying on a double bed in a black lace thong and with smooth velvet skin and perfect body. All he could think of was kissing her body all over and making love to her. He wanted to touch every inch of her and taste her whole body. He got harder with just the sight of her. She laid there with her eyes closed. She didn't really think of anything just followed her heart. He took some steps ahead, got on the bed and leaned down to kiss her softly on the mouth. She kissed him back. Her hands moved to his face, then to his hair. He moved his right hand to her breasts. He was squeezing and stroking them. Then his hand went down to her thong. He then stopped the kiss and whispered in her ear:

_- I wanted to see you in this thong since the moment I saw it in your hands when you got it._

_- I got it as a birthday present from a friend 2 years ago._

_- Yeah, I know. Since then I was fantasizing about you in it._

_- Wow. Then now it must be a dream come true._

_- It is actually. And it's way better than I imagined._

_- I'm flattered._

He kissed her again and he started stroking her clit really gently. She let out a moan. He was moving his fingers up and down softly and he pushed one finger inside her. Then he pushed in another one. With his big finger he started to rub her clit in circles which made Jen moaning loudly. It gave her a sensation she had never felt before. A tingling feeling appeared in her fingertips. It became more intense as Gibbs was moving his fingers inside her faster. The tingle went from her fingertips to her hands and to her arms and spread all over her body. She was wet, her heart was pumping like crazy and pleasure was rushing through her entire body. It felt like electricity. She couldn't contain herself anymore. Her body was moving uncontrollably, she was moaning really loud and she realized that he stopped kissing her. She could barely open her eyes but when she did she saw that Gibbs was watching her. He was just staring at her while she had the most fulfilling orgasm of all time. Jenny's body had enough. It gave up. She was just lying there, her heart beating really fast, her body was tingling. She couldn't calm down. And even though she came Gibbs didn't stop the stroking and pushing. But he went back to gentle touches. She gathered all her strength and reached for his face. She kissed him. She was trying to distract him for some minutes so her body could rest a little bit.

_- This was unbelievable. You are a genius. I've never felt something like this before. - said Jenny while she was sighing._

_- I've never seen anybody who enjoyed it this much. It was fascinating. You are a really impressive woman, you know that?_

_- Thank you._

And they kissed again. Finally Jenny could relax a bit.


	4. The next morning

Jenny woke up the next morning with the biggest smile on her face and the most amazing feeling in her heart. She was genuinely happy. She couldn't remember when was the last time she felt that way. Memories from last night were coming back to her and she couldn't believe that it all happened. But it did. And what was odd to her is that she didn't regret anything about it. Not even one tiny bit. She knew that it wasn't right what they did if she thought about it from another person's point of view but from her point of view life was perfect at that moment. She didn't want this feeling to ever go away. She took a deep breath and turned to her other side. There he was. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He was absolutely perfect and peaceful. He was still asleep. Jenny wasn't even hungover although they obviously drank too much the other night. Maybe none of this would have happened if they were sober. But it didn't matter anymore. Things were good. More than good. Actually things were great. At least for Jenny. She was watching Gibbs slowly waking up. When he opened his eyes and saw Jenny memories attacked him.

_- Fuck!_ - he said in a sleepy but angry voice.

His tone suddenly made Jenny feel really sad.

_- He regrets it. Fuck. I can't believe this. Why can't life just be perfect for a little bit longer?_ - said Jenny to herself as she realized that things won't go as well as she wanted to.

_- What is it?_ - asked Jen.

_- What is it? Do you remember last night?_ - Gibbs said angrily.

_- I will never forget I'm sure._ - Jenny smiled at him but it had no effect on him.

_- Well, I wish I could forget and just undo the whole thing. Jesus!_ - he buried his face in his palms.

Jenny felt her heart break a little.

- _If it matters anything, last night was the most incredible night of my life and I will never forget the way you made me feel. Even though you wish it never happened I'm glad it did. And you don't have to worry. Andy will never find out about it. I won't ever tell anybody. I don't want to cause you trouble. You shouldn't feel bad. It's our secret._

_- Well it doesn't really make it better but thanks._

Jenny was really sad that the best night of her life was the worst night for the person who made it possible.

_- We should have breakfast. Everything will be alright, just give it time. Some hours from now you'll realize that the situation is not as bad as you think._

_- I cheated on my girlfriend._

_- Well, not really. I mean partly. We just had a kiss._

_- Well actually we had a little bit more than that._

_- Yes but we didn't have sex. Well, you know what I mean._

_- This can't ever happen again._

Jenny knew that he was right and she didn't plan to have an affair with him but still. Even the possibility for another kiss disappeared. She felt bad.

_- Yeah, I know._

They were sitting in bed, staring at the wall in front of them. Jenny felt the need to say something. She couldn't really bare the awkward silence.

_- So...breakfast?_

_- Yeah, I'm starving._

So they got out of bed and tried to act as normal with each other as they could.


	5. The decision

As the day went on Gibbs calmed down. He and Jen finished the job they had left. They acted like nothing had happened between them.

The evening came and they again felt the desire to be close to each other. Although at this night nothing else happened only just a few kisses. Before they went to bed Gibbs told Jenny that he wants to stop this. Jenny felt used. She felt that he was playing with her. When he wanted to kiss her then he kissed her or touched her or told things to her that he shouldn't and out of the blue he wanted to stop and wanted to be just friends. He also told her that things between him and Andy wasn't so great but it was obvious that he wouldn't leave her. And Jen didn't even want him to leave her. She just sometimes felt the need to be with another person, she wanted to be close to someone, she wanted some connection with another human being. And she realized that she fell in love with Gibbs. Not because of what happened the other night but because even earlier he cared about her. She wanted attention and he gave it to her. She felt something for him that she had never ever felt for anybody else before. It was love. She truly loved him. And he knew. He knew how she felt. Not just because she told him but because he could feel it. And he wanted out. He wanted to be just friends with her. It was just a game to him. His relationship wasn't going well so he thought he'll have a little fun with someone. And he made her fall in love with him and when he realized it he just threw her away before things could get worse. Jen agreed to be just friends again because she thought even being friends means she could stay close to him and she felt that she needs him in her life.

Gibbs fell asleep early but Jen couldn't. She stayed up all night, trying to figure out her feelings and what she wanted. At 3 a. m. she started to write a letter. It was the hardest letter she ever had to write. She finished it in an hour. Then she went to the bathroom, took a hot shower, got dressed, got her things packed in her suitcase and walked to the door. She was standing there in silence and looking at Gibbs. She took a deep breath and opened the door. She quietly left the room and closed the door behind her. The job was done, they would fly home this afternoon but she didn't want to stay with him any longer. She went to the airport and was waiting for the first flight back home.

Around 7 in the morning Gibbs woke up. He looked around but he didn't find Jenny. He couldn't hear her. Maybe she went to get something to eat. As he was thinking about where she could be he noticed a paper on the desk. He got up to see what it was. He picked up the letter from the desk, went back to bed and started reading.

**_Dear Jethro_**

**_You have no idea how difficult it is for me to write this letter. I know that you regret everything that happened in the last 2 days and you wish you could undo it but for me these days meant the world. That second night was unforgettable and I want to thank you for that. You allowed me to feel emotions I didn't know existed. I'm grateful. You also made me fall in love with you. I love you and I've never felt this way before. I know you don't feel the same way and it's fine. I don't expect anything from you. I understand the situation and I don't want you to worry about that I will act differently with you or make you feel uncomfortable. I promise you that I won't tell anyone what happened between us. What happened in Paris stays in Paris. I want you to know that I never expected you to leave Andy because of me. I would never cause pain to somebody intentionally. I couldn't bare the feeling and the thought that someone is hurting because of something I've done. And I also don't want you to feel bad about all this. If it's better for you then forget everything that happened here. Think of this as a dream. I hope that your relationship will straight out itself. I know it would be better to tell you all this face to face but I know that I wouldn't be able to make the right decision when you are looking at me and my heart tells me otherwise. I want things to be exactly how they were before we came to Paris. You are my friend's boyfriend and nothing more. Plus you are my boss at work. Outside of work I want us to only talk or meet when Andy or any other friend is around. This decision will be the best for everybody. Andy won't ever know about us. You'll have a good relationship with her and forget about me. And I will move on. Problem solved. I'm flying back home with the first flight today. We'll meet at work tomorrow. If Andy asks why didn't we come with the same flight then tell her that I wanted to spend a little more time in Paris alone. I don't know how to write a goodbye letter properly so I will just finish now._**

**_Take care, Jethro. This is the last time I will talk about all this so please don't bring it up ever again. I wish you all the best. You deserve to be happy. I'll never forget you and Paris._**

**_With love_**

**_Jenny_**

After Gibbs finished reading he put down Jenny's letter to the bed beside him. A part of him liked Jenny and he felt bad for the way she felt but he knew that it was best for everyone to stop now. He was in a relationship and even though he wasn't truly happy with Andy he wouldn't risk being alone or being with anybody else. Andy was a sure thing. And like all men, Gibbs was comfortable too. Even though he wasn't happy he needed someone to take care of him. He knew that Andy wouldn't leave him so he would be a fool to change anything. It wouldn't work with Jen anyway. She wasn't even an option. She was too complicated along with the whole situation. There was something about her that interested him but it was nothing he would take a risk for. She just didn't worth it. So he took a deep breath and let everything go. He felt better now that she left. Like she wrote: "Problem solved". He moved on. Just like that. Like it never happened. It was easier for him because he had someone he could go home to. Even though things didn't work out well he had someone by his side. Someone loved him, cared for him. Jenny just went back to an empty house, an empty life. Relationships weren't easy for her. She had a lot of issues that were going on underneath the surface. She was the queen of pretending and hiding. No one ever knew what was going on with her. And sadly no one actually cared enough about her that they would bother to ask. She was a really private person.

Gibbs didn't waste any more of his time thinking about the past. He grabbed the letter, tore it into little pieces and threw it in the trash. Then he went to the bathroom and got ready to leave. He left the hotel in an hour and caught a flight home. After he arrived he kissed Andy, told her how much he loved and missed her and they continued their day together. Things went back to normal. But not for everybody.

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><p>Jenny finally arrived home and the first thing she did was went to her bedroom and laid down on her bed. She didn't sleep last night, she didn't sleep on the plane, she was exhausted. She was more exhausted emotionally and mentally than physically. She was sad and heartbroken, then she was numb. And these emotions were changing rapidly. She couldn't bear it anymore. She needed to rest and forget about everything for a while. In 5 minutes she fell asleep and she didn't wake up until the next morning. When she woke up she was more tired than before. She felt like a zombie. But she needed to get to work. Then it hit her: she'll be seeing Gibbs in 3 hours. She wasn't ready for that. She didn't know what his reaction was to her letter or how he felt after reading it. There were so many questions inside her and no answers. Since she wrote that she won't talk about Paris anymore she won't ever get any answers from Gibbs. He didn't text her or call her. That was her wish, she knew that, but still he didn't even try to interact with her somehow. That made her a bit sad but after all she made the right decision. She had to tell it to herself as a reminder so she wouldn't doubt her choices all the time. And the only reason why she doubted herself regularly was because her feelings told her the exact opposite than her mind. Even though the decision was right, making it was hard. She made a decision based on which outcome will hurt less people. She was looking at the facts:<p>

- Andy was her friend and she didn't want to hurt her. She would never tell her about Paris. What she didn't know couldn't hurt her.

- Gibbs was her boss. He was her friend's boyfriend. He was also her friend. He was almost always nice to her and they had deep conversations and she told him things she didn't tell anybody else. She trusted him and it was rare. She liked him and it turned into love. But she knew he wouldn't break up with Andy and she wouldn't want him to because even after that they couldn't be together because it would be really weird and wrong mostly because of Andy. She didn't want Gibbs to suffer so the only possible decision was the one that she just made.

- The last person that this triangle included and affected was her, Jenny. She accidentally found a man she fell in love with but he was the wrong person. She met him in the wrong place, at the wrong time and in a wrong situation. In another world things would have been different. Jenny never loved anybody the way she loved Gibbs. She had a lot of problems and everything fell apart in her life and Gibbs was the only good thing that happened to her. But for other people's happiness she had to give him up. This way she was the only person who suffered because of this "incident" and that seemed to be the best outcome. She didn't plan the kiss or anything that happened after it, although the possibility of a kiss ran through her mind before but she would never thought it will come true. She still didn't regret any of it. She didn't feel guilty. Everybody would think she's a bitch because of what she did with her friend's boyfriend in Paris but she didn't feel like a bad person. In the end she didn't hurt anybody with her actions, only herself. She realized that she would never thought something like this could ever happen to her but it did and how many other women could be in the same situation.


	6. The first meeting

Jen was standing in the elevator. She was really nervous. She didn't know how Gibbs will react when they first meet after Paris. Will he act like nothing happened? Will he ignore her? And what about her? She was afraid of her own emotions. She was getting more nervous with every second. The elevator stopped and the door opened. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the elevator into the office. She was heading to her desk. Gibbs was nowhere to be found. She wanted to sit on her chair when:

_- There she is!_ - a familiar voice shouted.

Jenny turned around and there was Andy. She almost had a heart attack.

_- Andy! Wow! How come you are here?_ - she was trying to act as normal as she could.

_- Just came to visit you, guys._ - and she hugged Jen.

That was the point when Jen saw Gibbs standing behind Andy. She was terrified. Gibbs didn't show any emotion at all. That was really frustrating for her.

_- Welcome back, bitch. I heard you had a good time in Paris._

_- Um, yeah, it was okay. The city is very pretty._

_- Oh, wish I could be there too._

Jen was looking at Gibbs.

_- Honey, we have a lot of work to do, so ..._ - said Gibbs. He was really calm. It was really weird.

_- Of course. I'm leaving. See you at home, love._ - Andy went and gave him a kiss.

Jenny just stood there. The whole situation was too strange yet completely normal. She thought when they will first meet, the three of them, after Paris it will be really awkward, she'll feel guilty and things will be messy. She thought even when she and Andy will first meet she will feel all those things but she didn't feel guilty. It was weird but there was no guilt. It was complicated but absolutely normal at the same time. Jen didn't really know what was happening inside her. But she felt good that things went pretty well.

Andy wasn't there anymore. Jen felt a bit better about that. She wasn't ready to face her, hell, she wasn't even ready to face Gibbs but surprises happen. She handled it nicely but she was glad it was over. She was looking at Gibbs to find out what he was thinking about but he didn't show any emotion. Still. She was about to speak when:

_- We have a case, let's go!_ - he shouted at the team and he left her where she was standing.

He didn't even look at her. That hurt her a little. She was scared that things will be like this from that moment on. She didn't want that. He was her friend and it was nice that she could talk with him whenever she wanted and it wasn't awkward or anything. She could be herself around him. It seemed that it was all gone.

They went to the crime scene. Jenny wanted to be near Gibbs. She didn't want any complications but she couldn't help her feelings. They won't go away in some hours. She just wanted things to be normal and in a normal situation Gibbs would talk to her. Or at least look at her but at that time all he did was avoiding her. He talked to others. He was acting nice with others but not with her. Jenny was trying to concentrate on her job. She went into the house and was looking at the dead body when:

_- Jen! Go, talk to the neighbours, find out if they've heard something!_ – Gibbs shouted at her while he was standing at the front door.

She couldn't read him. She was completely confused.

_- Okay._ – she said in a soft voice with a little smile on her face.

Gibbs didn't show any reaction. Jenny was so exhausted from the last couple of days that she felt like the only thing she wanted at that moment was the day to just end. She needed some time to process all the things that happened.

The whole day went like that. Gibbs was neutral and Jenny was trying to survive somehow. Finally the day ended. Gibbs went home to Andy and Jenny went home to be alone. She felt that this is going to be really hard if every single day will go like this. She suddenly felt really alone with a huge secret she had to keep inside. There was no one she could turn to. She would never thought doing the right thing was this hard. She tried to relax a bit and she was hoping that the next day will be better.


	7. Downward spiral

**CONTAINS SELF-HARM.**

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><p>In spite of Jenny's hopes things didn't get better the next day or the day after that. There was a distance between her and Jethro and she couldn't do anything about that. It seemed like everything between Andy and Gibbs was great so Jenny was glad at least because of that. Her feelings didn't disappear. The situation even got worse for Jenny. She felt lovesick. She wanted to talk with Gibbs. Not about her feelings, just in general. Without feeling awkward about anything. But she couldn't. They only talked at the office if it was really necessary. She missed him. It looked like he didn't miss her at all. He looked okay. Everything was like the way she wanted. Gibbs and Andy were happy together. She didn't ruin anybody's relationship.<p>

The three of them barely met outside of the office. Whenever Andy and Jenny met Gibbs found an excuse for not being there. Jen was a little sad about him not being there but it was really painful for her to see them together kissing and being happy. The good thing was that nobody noticed anything. Nobody could tell that something intimate happened in Paris. Jen and Gibbs were amazingly good at pretending.

**July 24, 1999**

2 months passed since Paris and Jenny felt worse with every day. She could barely think of anything else. She played everything that happened in Paris over and over again in her head. Every word they said, every touch, every feeling. Jenny was a mess. She didn't want to get up in the morning, couldn't sleep at night, couldn't fully focus on her work. She tried booze to get through the days. Of course not at work. But after she finished for the day she went home and got drunk. She cried. She felt lost and alone.

She was daydreaming about what ifs. What if she would talk to Gibbs? What if she would talk to him about her feelings? What if he would know? What if she would fight for him? What if all this would never happen? What if…

She was even imagining their conversations. When she was drunk she imagined that he was there with her. Then all the things she wrote in that letter in Paris came to her mind and she finally remembered why she had to suffer. She did this to don't cause pain. How ironic. She didn't want to cause pain to others but she caused pain to herself. One of the biggest pain she had ever felt. But she couldn't go back from this.

One day she didn't have to go to work so she grabbed a bottle of bourbon and went for a walk. Near to her house there was a park. It was kind of isolated, people rarely went there. That became her favourite place. It was quite and peaceful. Gibbs knew about that place too and he knew that she really liked to go there. There were times when Jenny imagined Gibbs showing up out of nowhere just because he knows maybe he will find her there. It was stupid because she knew that Gibbs would never do that. She wanted to think that he missed her too. Although she was sure that he never even thinks of her. She wanted to have hope. Hope that the way she was feeling will go away very soon and she will be okay again. But it seemed like her suffering will never end.

So she was taking a walk in the park. Nobody was there except her. It was a sunny day, the weather was really good. It was around 2 o' clock in the afternoon. Jenny was already drunk. The bottle was almost empty. She took the last sip, swallowed it and she became really angry and sad at the same time. She stopped and threw the empty bottle to the concrete. It broke into a million pieces. In that moment Jenny had an idea. She had always been the weird girl. She liked doing things that freaked people out. So she picked up a piece of glass from the concrete, sat down and put the sharp glass to her left wrist. She knew even though she was really drunk that she didn't want to kill herself. She didn't want to end up in the hospital or want anybody to find out about what she was about to do. She was just so tired of feeling all those emotions. It was a roller coaster. Her feelings were changing rapidly. Anger, numbness, sadness, loneliness. She just wanted a little rest. She wanted to find something that will help her feeling okay again. The booze didn't help at all. It even made things worse. She didn't know what was going to happen when she cuts herself but she always wanted to try it for some reasons. She didn't know why was that. Because of the blood? Maybe. She didn't want to hurt anybody else. She only wanted to hurt herself because she realized that the anger she felt was towards herself. She really started to hate herself. She felt like her life is falling apart. Not only because of what happened in Paris. She had a lot of other stuff happening in her life other than that. She just wanted a good life but from where she was standing nothing was right.

She was sitting on the concrete with a piece of glass in her hand. Took a deep breath and pushed the sharp edge of the glass into her skin. She dragged it across her wrist. She held her breath for a second then blood started to appear on her wrist from that straight line. In that moment she didn't understand why but she felt like she was free. Like she was getting high or something. It was unbelievable. All the pain, the numbness, the anger disappeared and for the first time in months she felt … happy. She was free. Then she cut herself again a couple of times and she slowly laid down and she let that amazing feeling go through her whole body. She didn't want it to end. Ever. She felt like flying. A big smile appeared on her face and she didn't realize it at that moment but that couple of minutes of freedom comes at a price.


	8. Self-destruction

**THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF-HARM. DO NOT READ IT IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED. JUST TO BE CLEAR I DON'T THINK IN ANY WAY THAT SELF-HARM IS THE ANSWER AND I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO THINK THAT IT'S A GOOD THING OR IT'S FUN BECAUSE IT'S NOT. IT CAN RUIN YOU. IF YOU ARE LUCKY YOU CAN STOP BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT THE URGE FROM TIME TO TIME. DO NOT START IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORTH IT. IF YOU STARTED IT AND YOU ARE STILL AT A POINT WHERE YOU CAN EASILY STOP THEN STOP. GO TO A PROFESSIONAL. GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO GET BETTER. DON'T DO IT FOR OTHERS, DO IT FOR YOURSELF. LIFE IS NOT EASY. THINGS GET MESSY. FEELINGS GET HURT. I'M NOT GONNA SAY THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN AFTER YOU GET HELP BUT IN SOME WAYS THINGS CAN GET BETTER. MAYBE YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF. WHO KNOWS. IT CAN SEEM LIKE I'M JUST MAKING ALL THIS STORY UP AND CUTTING CAN'T HAVE THIS KIND OF EFFECT ON YOUR LIFE BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME. I WANTED TO WRITE THIS STORY SO I CAN SHARE MY EXPERIENCE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT EVERYBODY ELSE WILL GO THROUGH THINGS LIKE I DID. I WANTED TO SHARE SOMETHING THAT'S TRUE. I WANTED TO WRITE THIS DOWN SO MAYBE THERE WILL BE SOMEONE WHO'LL READ THIS AND IN SOME WAYS IT CAN HELP.**

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><p>The next day Jenny went to work. She didn't make a big deal out of what happened yesterday. She felt okay and she knew she should be really careful with that because the day is long and a lot of things could upset her along the way which can lead to very dark places. Being around Gibbs was hard enough, mostly because he treated her differently. He barely spoke to her even if it was about the job. She missed their friendship. And she also missed what happened in Paris. She missed his touch and kiss. She missed the way he looked at her and talked to her. She needed someone who treat her well. She felt really lonely. And these feelings attacked her rapidly and quite often throughout her days. Although her day went well she frequently thought about the other day. She thought about the blood. How beautiful that was. Its colour. There was something mesmerizing about the whole thing and she didn't know why she felt that way. She remembered the feeling she got after she cut herself. She knew, of course, that cutting is not the answer and it's wrong in some ways but she didn't really have any good reason why she shouldn't do it again. Nobody knew about it, she didn't hurt anybody only herself so she didn't see where was the harm in that. She wanted to do it again. Also there was something exciting about having a secret like that. At that time she didn't know how much a burden it can also be.<p>

The team was working late and Jenny was sitting at her desk typing something. Gibbs suddenly stood in front of her and he was really angry. Jenny looked up on him and before she could ask what was wrong Gibbs started shouting at her. She didn't know what she did to deserve it but she didn't want to fight back. She sat there and listened while Gibbs was saying really awful things to her. She screwed something up as it turned out. She screwed up things before but Gibbs had never acted the way he did at that moment. People were staring. Jenny couldn't move. She could barely breathe. She froze and she felt like crying. After Gibbs stopped she jumped from her seat and ran to the bathroom. She closed the door. Tears started to run down her face and she was crying without a sound. She had no idea why he treated her like that. She calmed down after a few minutes. She slowly put her right hand in her pocket and pulled out a razor blade. She put it there in the morning. She touched it a couple of times that day just to feel it. She didn't expect anything like the shouting to happen that day that could cause her so much stress and embarrassment but she knew that when she had an okay day it was not gonna be okay at the end of the day and she was right. The razor blade in her hand was too much a temptation for her at that moment and she couldn't resist it. She cut her left wrist a couple of times. She cut until she felt better which meant about 10 cuts. It helped her. She felt calm again. It felt like the stress poured out of her body through those lines. After she was done she picked some paper towels, removed the blood from her wrist, flushed the towels and walked out of the bathroom like nothing happened. She went back to her place and continued her work. Just like that. When she realized how much better she felt she knew that she finally found something that helped her function properly even after events like that with Gibbs. The effect that cutting had on her was absolutely fantastic. That made her smile. Things were okay again.

As the months went by Jenny became addicted to cutting herself. She didn't only do it when a big negative event happened to her. Anything could be a trigger. A bad reply, a weird look, a sudden negative feeling. The smallest things led her to cutting herself. She just needed it. She didn't give it a second thought. She even took risks like cutting herself in the office at her desk where anybody could see her but she was lucky. She didn't get caught. There were days when she couldn't think of anything else just the blood. Things got a bit worse when drinking and cutting became a thing for her. She got drunk, she cried and then she cut herself. It was really reckless because she felt kind of numb from the alcohol and she couldn't fully control how deep she cut herself. Fortunately she had never ended up in an emergency room. She managed it. No one noticed what was going on with her. Another problem started when cutting didn't give the same result for her anymore. She cut herself and she didn't feel better at all. Instead of the adrenalin rush she felt guilty. She felt guilty right after she cut herself. When the scars started to heal she felt the trigger to do it again. She did it again and she was back to guilty. It was a never ending cycle for her. She still didn't consider this a problem. Some parts of her, of course, knew that this wasn't the right way to cope with things but she didn't know what else she could do. Sometimes she felt so much guilt that she had panic attacks and the wanted her scars to disappear because she was scared somebody will see them accidentally. That panic made her do other silly things like she burnt herself with a curling iron to cover her scars. She didn't know how to explain her scars if someone notices so she burnt herself because she thought that explaination would be more believable. And nobody doubted what she said. She had to be prepared for everything. She had to make up lies as answers. She also realized that when you want to hurt yourself you have to be creative with your choice of weapon when you don't have a razor blade near you. It turned out that the most unexpected objects can be used as weapons if you need them enough.

Without Jenny noticing it everything in her life centred round self-harm. She would never thought this could happen. It started as a coping mechanism, a fun thing, a little secret. It became her almost every thought, a really dark secret and lot of lying. She hated herself for it. She felt so much anger and hatred towards herself. There were short periods when she was trying not to cut. When she felt the urge she was imagining herself doing it. Because of the amount of anger she held she started imagining really violent things she would do to herself. Even suicide became an option for her. When she was so down she thought that there were only two ways this whole situation could end. One way is that she gets better. The other way was suicide. She didn't really care anymore. Nothing in her life went well lately. She was isolated from everyone. Mostly because of her secret life. When she met Gibbs and Andy that was the worst. She felt so alone it ruined her.


	9. When unexpected things happen

**December 6, 1999**

Jenny felt a little bit better lately. She even felt like she was kind of over Gibbs. She was concentrating on her work. She finished work early that day and she was at home around 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Gibbs didn't come in that day. It was weird because nobody knew anything about him. Jenny was at home and was watching TV when her phone was buzzing. She got a text. It was from Gibbs:

_We need to talk. Would you meet me?_

Without any hesitation Jenny replied: _Of course. When and where?_

After she sent the text she realized what just happened. She was the one who said they can't meet and the first time he wrote a text she would immediately run to meet him. She didn't think. It was so natural that she would meet him if he wanted to that she didn't even blink. What could have happened? Why did he want to meet her? Why now? And why did she want to meet him? She was confused yet absolutely fine with what just happened. He replied:

_In the park in an hour._

She sent back an _Okay_ then she was getting ready to meet him. How should she act? She knew it was not about work. After a while she left the house and went to the park. She was almost there when she saw him standing at a bench. Nobody was around. She started to be a little nervous. She was heading towards him. He looked up at her. He looked totally normal. He wasn't angry. That was a good sign.

_- Hey!_ – said Jenny with a smile.

_- Hi!_ – Gibbs smiled back. – _I didn't think you'll come._

_- Really? Why?_

_- Well, I don't know._

_- Why did you want to meet?_

_- Just wanted to talk to someone. How are you?_

_- Um, I'm okay. But why me? Why now? I don't understand._

_- Well…_

_- Look, what's wrong? I can see that something's wrong_.

Gibbs looked down to the concrete. Something was bothering him. Jenny was waiting patiently.

_- Andy cheated on me._

Jenny was shocked.

_- What?_

_- She cheated on me with Sophie's brother._

_- I can't believe this. How? What?_

Jenny was really confused. She didn't know what to say. She wanted Gibbs to talk so she started asking questions.

_- When did you find out?_

_- Yesterday night._

_- That's why you didn't come to work today?_

_- Yeah. I wasn't sleeping at home. I left and didn't go back. I was in a bar. I needed someone to talk to and you are the only person I trust that's why I texted you._

_- I don't know what to say. I still can't believe it. Are you sure she slept with him?_

_- Yeah. She told me. I can't go back to face her. I can't look at her._

_- Well, what are you gonna do?_

_- I have no idea._

_- Look, I'm here to help you. You need a friend right now and I can be your friend if you want me to._

_- Yes, that would be great. Thanks._

Jenny smiled at him. She understood that she has this one chance and she will be what he needs her to be: a friend. She will listen and be there for him. She cared for him and despite of her doubts she knew she was still in love with him. But she wouldn't force herself at him. Not right now, not like this. This was hard for him. She could see that he was feeling awful.

_- Do you want to drink something? I imagine you drank enough since yesterday but …_

_- I haven't drink that much. I was just sitting in the bar and staring in front of me._

_- Sounds nice. So?_

_- I could use a drink, yeah._

_- Let's go to my place. I have bourbon._

_- My favourite._

_- I know._

They both smiled at each other and they were off to Jenny's house.

After they arrived they went to the study, drank bourbon and talked. None of them mentioned what happened between them. It was like nothing ever happened. They were comfortable with each other. They were even laughing. Like two old friends. Nothing more.

Jenny and Andy weren't friends anymore. They didn't even talk. There wasn't a specific reason why they weren't friends. They just grew apart. Not because of Gibbs. Jenny and Andy were never really close. They just happened to have the same friends and automatically everyone thought they were close but they weren't really. Jenny even got tired of Andy's little mean remarks whenever she saw Jenny and Gibbs standing close to each other or talking. Plus Jenny's dark secret didn't help her social life either. She lost all her friends. She didn't really speak to anyone anymore. Nobody found out about her issues. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that she knew her friends for years and she got tired of them. She changed. They changed. She didn't care anymore about the things they did. She didn't feel good around them so she didn't want to waste her time on those people any longer. She was completely alone. It was really good to have Gibbs around. She had always felt comfortable with him.

So they were drinking and talking and it was already dark outside.

_- So now what?_ – asked Jenny.

_- What do you mean?_

_- I mean what are you gonna do? Break up with her or … ?_

_- Well, I don't see any other choice._

_- I'm really sorry that you had to live through all this. If I can help in anything let me know, okay?_

_- Okay, thank you._

Jenny was sitting there next to him on the couch smiling.

_- Can I ask you something?_ – Gibbs said in a very gentle voice.

_- Of course._

_- I can't go home to Andy, not yet, and I don't wanna stay at a motel. Can I stay here for tonight? Even this couch would be perfect for me._

Jenny was really surprised.

_- Well, if you think that's a good idea then yeah, you can stay here._

_- Thanks Jen._

_- Now I'm gonna bring you a pillow and a blanket and you can sleep._

_- Alright._

Jenny went to find a pillow and a blanket for Gibbs. In some minutes she returned to the study. She put them down on the couch. Gibbs was standing at the desk. Took the last sip of bourbon and then put down the glass on the desk. Jenny was making the couch for him. She turned around and he was standing really close to her, their bodies were touching. She knew that if she would want it they could kiss but it didn't feel right at that moment. She wanted to show him that she could be his friend and she won't just jump him when she gets a chance. She wanted to show that she really cared and she didn't just pretend because she was hoping for sex.

_- Goodnight Jethro. If you need anything let me know. I'm gonna be upstairs._

_- Okay, I'm good. Thank you. Goodnight Jenny._

He kissed her on the cheek and Jenny left the room. She went upstairs, changed her clothes and went to bed. She would never thought that this was ever going to happen, let alone it was gonna happen on that day. She needed to sleep. There were so many things she had to think through but she just needed a little rest. She will have time to think about everything the next day.


	10. Now what?

**December 7, 1999**

Jenny was slowly waking up. As she opened her eyes she started to remember what happened the day before. She felt different. She could feel that this day was different. She could feel the change in the air. This day was already filled with possibilities.

She got up from her bed, put on her bathrobe and went downstairs. She didn't know if Gibbs was still asleep so she was walking quietly. She went to the study and carefully looked inside from the door. He wasn't there. She was turning around and was heading to the kitchen. She heard noises coming from the kitchen. She entered and she found Gibbs there fully clothed making coffee. Jenny was standing in the doorway. Gibbs suddenly turned around to greet her.

_- Good morning Jenny. Did you sleep well?_

He was smiling. He looked much better than yesterday. He was pouring coffee into the 2 mugs on the kitchen table.

_- Good morning Jethro. Um, yes, thanks for asking. And you?_

She was surprized by Gibbs' behaviour. She didn't expect him to feel this good.

_- I slept really well. I feel much better._

_- I can see that._

He put one of the mugs in front of Jenny.

_- Here you are._

_- Thanks. Don't misunderstand me but how come that you are in such a good mood?_

_- Well, I don't know. I woke up like this. Maybe it's because of you._

_- Me? What did I do?_

_- You were nice to me and I really appreciate that. I didn't really think that you were gonna talk to me after everything that happened in the past. I missed you Jenny._

_- I missed you too._

The situation was almost unbelievable for Jenny. They were sitting at the table drinking coffee.

_- So what are your plans for today? You're gonna come into the office?_

_- No. I have to talk to Andy._

_- So, are you gonna break up with her?_

_- Are you surprised? What should I do? Forgive her?_

_- No. I didn't say that. I just thought that maybe you changed your mind._

_- I didn't. I'm gonna talk to her and tell her that it's over. The problem is that we moved in together and neither of us have enough money to buy a place. I guess we have to figure out how to live under the same roof until one of us can move out._

Jenny felt a bit uncomfortable with that. She wouldn't tell him to live with her if that's something he would want. He could stay for one night but it would be really not right to live together in this situation. But the thought of Andy and Gibbs living together after all this made her feel weird.

_- Well, I can't say anything to that._

_- I don't know what else I could do._

Jenny was sitting there with an awkward smile on her face and she was sipping her coffee slowly.

_- I'm going to work now. If you want to you can come back after you dealt with her and we can talk about it._

_- That would be great. Thanks. Well, I'm gonna go now too. See you later._

He smiled at her and he left. Jenny sat still. She didn't know what is gonna happen so she was trying not to think of it and just wait until they'll talk again in a couple of hours.

She couldn't really focus on her work. She was thinking a lot about Gibbs and Andy. What if Gibbs forgives her? If she will apologize and he'll take her back? She couldn't stop thinking about that. Suddenly her phone was buzzing. A text from Gibbs.

_I 'm at your place. Hope you can come soon._

After that message she knew that there was no way she could concentrate so she was heading home to meet him. She was somehow afraid of what he'll tell her.

She arrived home. She entered the front door. Light came out of the study. She could see Gibbs was sitting on the couch. She was walking towards the study. He was sitting there and drinking bourbon.

_- Hi!_

_- Oh, finally. I was hoping you'll come real soon._

She walked to the couch and sat down next to Gibbs.

_- So how did it go? You talked to her?_

_- Yeah. We talked. We ended it. She agreed that we should break up. Our relationship wasn't really good anymore. We haven't even had sex in ages._

_- And are you okay?_

_- Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?_

_- And did you talked about how you're gonna live together?_

_- Yes. Well she knows it too that we can't move yet. It's gonna be awkward at first but we'll see._

_- I guess._

_- And what's up at work?_

_- Nothing much. Fortunately. But you're gonna have to come in in the next few days._

_- I know. I'm gonna go in tomorrow._

_- Great. So what do you wanna do now?_

_- I would like to stay here for a little while if you don't mind._

_- Yes, sure. You can stay._

Jenny suddenly felt really tired. She got into a comfortable position on the couch. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a minute. Everything was quiet. It felt so good. She was about to open her eyes and turn to Gibbs to say something when he kissed her. He was really gentle. Jenny was waiting for this for so long. She ran her fingers through his hair and with her other hand she touched his face. Gibbs stopped. He looked her in the eyes. They didn't say anything. He stood up, took Jenny into his hands and brought her to her bedroom. He slowly put her down on her bed then he kissed her again. She put her hands around his neck. He was softly squeezing her boobs. Jenny was dreaming about this so many times. To feel his touch and kiss again. It was unbelievable. She forgot everything and everyone.

This time being with him was different than in Paris. He was so gentle and she could feel that he didn't want to rush anything between them. Maybe they got a chance to be together. They didn't talk, they just wanted to enjoy each other's company for the first time without any of them feeling guilty.

It was dark outside. They were laying next to each other on the bed.

_- So now what? - asked Jenny quietly._

_- Well, I have to go home. I need a little rest. A lot of things have happened in the last couple of days. I need to sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to work._

_- Okay. Then I guess I'll meet you there._

_- Yeah. I gotta go now._

Gibbs got up from the bed. Jenny followed him down the stairs. He opened the front door then turned around.

_- Thank you for everything, Jenny._

Jenny just smiled.

_- Goodnight. See you tomorrow._

He gave her a kiss then walked away.

_- Goodnight Jethro._

She closed the door and paused for a minute. She felt that empty feeling again like when she left him there in Paris. He went home to Andy. Even though she knew that they broke up he still went home to her. She wasn't jealous or angry, she just missed him. There were a lot of emotions inside her that she couldn't process so quickly. This time she didn't want to cut herself, she just wanted to go and have a good night sleep. Too many things happened at once. She didn't know what will happen the next day but at that moment she couldn't care less. She was exhausted. She knew that if she was gonna think about everything then she would just overthink everything and that would lead to bad things. She couldn't let that happen to her. Not that night.

So she went to her bedroom, laid down on it, ran her hand over the place where Gibbs laid and then she fell asleep.


	11. The shadow of the past

**Before I start this chapter I just want to thank all of you who read it every time I update this story. It means a lot to me. Even more than you can imagine. So if you are reading this then I wanna say THANK YOU! :)**

**Now to those who reviewed it: You made my life. Your kindness melted my heart and I'm grateful that you took that time to write me nice messages. It means everything.**

**I have an anonymous reviewer to whom I can't reply so if you read this then I just want to say that: 1. Thank you! 2. These things happened to me, it's my story and that makes it even more personal. Of course I try to tell it like a Jibbs story so I have to put their story and mine together in the best way possible. In real life there were things that were more complicated but I can't tell it that way because it wouldn't fit Jibbs' story. 3. I hope those people you know who were/are dealing with self-harm are feeling better and I'm glad that you didn't have to deal with it yourself. :) It is important to give them hope and to let them know they are not alone. You are amazing that you wrote me all those things and I really appreciate that. :) So I hope you'll like the rest of the story. Have a nice day! xo**

**Until now I thought that I'm gonna put La Grenouille in the story so I can explore that storyline too but I changed my mind. I wasn't sure about what I would write about him so I decided that I'm gonna put some other personal stuff in the story instead. There will be a storyline with Jenny's father who (I know) has died even before Jibbs knew each other but in my story it will be different. Also Jenny's mom is gonna show up. So Jenny's parents are alive and they are together. So this is a little something I wanted you to know.**

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><p><strong>December 8, 1999<strong>

Jenny was going to work. Oddly she didn't feel as good as she thought she should. It seemed that she and Gibbs were together after all and they gave themselves a chance and they didn't have to hide anymore since Gibbs and Andy broke up. Still Jenny had a weird feeling. She couldn't really be happy for herself. Maybe because of the lot of waiting or because of everything that happened in her life since Paris. She didn't really know what was the problem but there was a problem.

She knew that at work they can't let anyone know that they were together so they acted normally. They were acting like back then in the good old days before Paris. Jenny definitely missed that.

They finished for the day and they were heading to Jenny's place.

After they arrived they were going to the bedroom. They were laying on the bed.

_- So how are things with Andy?_

_- Awkward. But we'll figure it out how to live together like normal people._

Jenny had that same bad feeling whenever he was talking about them living together.

_- It's just really bad because you know when she told me she cheated on me I hit her. I was so angry that I couldn't control myself and even worse I hit her again after that too. She looked really scared afterwards and I felt really awful because of it._

Jenny stayed silent. She didn't know what to say. Since she knew what it means to be really angry and can't control yourself she couldn't judge him. Also she was familiar with men who have aggressive behaviour.

_- You won't tell her about us, I guess?_

_- Why would I? It's none of her business. Plus she was always jealous of you since once I told her that I fancy you._

_- WHAT?_

_- Once she wanted me to tell her who do I fancy out of her friends. I said you._

_- Why did you say that? I mean why didn't you say that she's the only one that ..._

_- I told her but she didn't buy it and she didn't leave me alone until I answered her._

_- Pfffft. Jesus. No wonder she acted the way she did with me. Remember all those stupid little remarks she had whenever we were close to each other? I hated that. But she knew that whatever you're gonna answer to the who-you-fancy question it will hurt her. Was she trying to start a fight?_

_- I don't know. Maybe. It was really annoying.__ But don't talk about her anymore please._

_- Okay._

_- So do you wanna go to a little trip? It's gonna snow at the weekend and I thought we should take a walk in the forest nearby._

_- Yeah, that sounds great._

They were laying there kissing.

_- I have to go now. See you tomorrow. And don't forget the trip._

_- I won't._

So he left. Jenny felt a bit better now that he told her about his plan to go on a trip. It was nice. But in the back of her head this whole situation bothered her. Andy was out of the picture finally but she was still in it in some ways. She couldn't just forget about that.

Was she really out of the picture?


	12. Plot twist?

**MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE! :)**

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><p><strong>December 20, 1999<strong>

Because of work Jenny and Gibbs had to reschedule their little trip to this day. There was snow everywhere. The forest was beautiful. They both loved nature and they loved taking walks. It seemed like everything was okay between them. They kept their relationship a secret. They didn't do anything wrong but they still didn't actually go public. As they were walking they arrived to a meadow. They saw a gazebo and went there. They couldn't sit down because there was water everywhere. The snow started to melt. They were standing there, looking around and everything was white around them. It was breathtaking. Gibbs was standing behind Jenny. Jenny slowly turned around to face him. He kissed her gently.

After Paris Jenny was really craving Gibbs' touch and she wanted him so much but for some reason since they got together nothing has happened between them. Of course they kissed and touched each other but nothing else. It was fine, it didn't bothered Jenny as much as it probably should.

They had a nice time in the forest and after that they were going home. Gibbs didn't go to Jenny's house. They were tired so everyone went to their own place.

Jenny was about to take a bath when her phone rang. It was her mom.

_- Hey mom!_

_- Hi honey! How are you?_

_- I'm fine thanks. You?_

_- Good. What are you doing?_

_- I'm about to take a bath. I'm really tired._

_- Did you work a lot today?_

_- No, actually I was on a trip. Gibbs and I went to take a walk in the forest._

_- Oh, that's nice. And how was it?_

_- Good. It was good._

_- Is everything alright with you and Gibbs?_

_- Yeah. We are fine._

_- That's great. Well, I have to go now. Don't forget that you'll spend Christmas with us._

_- How could I forget that. _- Jenny said in a sarcastic voice.

_- See you soon, honey. _- Jenny's mom said with a little giggle.

_- Bye mom. Love you._

_- Love you too._

Then she hung up.

Jenny had a really close relationship with her mother, Eve. They were like best friends. And since Jenny didn't have any friends it was real nice that she could count on someone and who loved her unconditionally.

She went to the bathroom and sat in the tub. There were candles everywhere around her. It was perfect. She needed to relax. Her life wasn't really easy and simple lately.

Things that happened in Paris and afterwards were running through her mind. It felt like her memories were someone else's. It was so surreal that these things actually happened to her. And then it hit her. Her phonecall with her mom.

_- Is everything alright with you and Gibbs?_

_- Yeah. We are fine._

_We are fine. _We are fine. She couldn't explain why but she just started to question her feelings for him. She went crazy after they "broke up" and now that they got a chance all she can say it they are _fine._ She should feel something more than that. He was everything she wanted in the last couple of months and now they are together and she thought she should feel happier than how she was actually feeling. She shouldn't feel guilty anymore and yet she couldn't stop feeling like it's a bad thing that they were together. She was trying to ignore that feeling but she felt like the time that has passed since Gibbs and Andy broke up was so short that if she would find out about them somehow she would know that this didn't happen between them just now. She was suspicious and jealous enough before, now she would kill her. Jenny felt like if Andy would find out about them now then she would figure out that there was something between them before and then all of Jenny's sacrifice and suffering would be pointless. She started to panic. She could barely breathe. She was sitting in the bathtub and she couldn't control her fear. She was scared and confused. She knew that she was irrational but she couldn't help it. She felt like she had to end it with Gibbs. It was the only way. She maybe didn't even love him that much. She didn't know. She just wanted to escape from this feeling. Escape from everything. It was almost new year she wanted a fresh start. She didn't want to wait to tell Gibbs, she wanted to get over it before Christmas, before this day ended. She felt like she was gonna explode. She couldn't think clearly. She didn't want to speak to Gibbs or meet him she just want it to be over as quickly as possible, so she picked up her phone and sent him a text.

_Look I just don't think that this is gonna work. I feel guilty because of Andy. Maybe this wasn't meant to be._

She was sitting in the tub and she was really nervous what he was gonna reply. She was totally out of control. Her phone was buzzing.

_What are you talking about? Look I'm gonna go to you and we'll talk about it._

Jenny was even more nervous and now angry too.

_Don't come here. I just want it to end. I'm sorry._

There was no reply. _Maybe he understood it_ - she thought. Then after 10 minutes her phone buzzed.

_I'm outside. Come out to talk._

Jenny got another panic attack. _Why is he here? I told him I don't wanna talk to him! Why can't he understand that? Just leave me alone!_ She was furious. She was shouting in her bathroom.

She wrote: _I don't wanna go out. I just want you to leave me alone!_

Then a reply: _I just wish we could have at least a goodbye kiss._

There were a tons of emotions inside Jenny and she felt like she's gonna go mad. All that rage just wanted to burst out of her.

_I'm sorry._

He sent his last text: _Okay._

With that Jenny finally calmed down. Just like that. She was relaxed. She got what she wanted. He left. She could start a new life. Although she just remembered that they still work together. Well, in that moment Jenny made a decision. Tomorrow morning she's gonna leave NCIS. It was an easy decision to make since she really got into the decision making that evening. So she went to bed that night, had a good night sleep and the next morning she left NCIS. Just like that.

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><p><strong>Find out what will happen next. Also<strong>_** !SPOILER ALERT! **_**the Jibbs storyline is not over yet...**


	13. A start of a new life

**First I would like to say something to those of you who send me reviews: I really appreciate your kind words. They warm my heart and make me want to continue my story. You put a big smile on my face whenever I think of your comments. I feel lucky that there are people who make time to listen. I cannot ask for more. :)**

**Second: At the beginning I thought that I will follow the real Jenny storyline in NCIS. What I mean by that: I thought that after Jenny leaves NCIS she will come back 6 years later as the director like how it was in the show but I changed my mind. Just like with the La Grenouille storyline. My precious anonymous reviewer told me she's glad I didn't involve La Grenouille which is good to know. :) I'm glad too. And now I made a decision that I won't make Jenny the director in this story. On one hand because 6 years would be too long. On the other hand I realized that I don't have to follow the show and how things turned out in it. So I think there will be some changes that will be weird if we think about the real Jenny character but I hope that you'll like the story anyway. Also not following the real storyline allows me to add more personal stuff and make the story more interesting I think. Let me know what you think! :)**

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><p>After Jenny quit NCIS she was trying to find out what to do with her life. She didn't regret quitting. She knew that she didn't have any other choice and she had to leave everything behind in order to start a new life. But she had no idea what to do. She didn't want to be an agent anymore. She had no idea what she could work and it made her really depressed. She didn't want to do anything. Since she wanted to get away from her past she made up her mind and moved to New York. She knew she had to get a job and she was so tired of thinking about what she wanted to do that she started to scroll through job advertisements and she picked the first thing that showed up.<p>

_I'm gonna be a secretary._

She would never thought that one day she's gonna be a secretary and she never wanted to be one but life surprised her a lot lately with unexpected things so she just went with it. She got a job at a law firm. First it was hard for her to work there but her boss was nice and she got better at her job as time went by.

The bad thing about this job was that she had other plans for her future and it was really hard for her to accept this carrier change even though she knew she had no choice. She made a decision and she had to find peace with it. The other hurtful thing for her was that the people she knew in the past and who heard about her new job started to treat her like nothing. People acted like she worth less just because she was a secretary and not a successful agent. It really hurt Jenny that nobody understood her and just because of her job they treated her like she was not an equal. Because of that she started to think of herself as a nobody. She's _just_ a secretary after all. They didn't realize that the job of a secretary is important. Everyone thought of the stupid stereotype about secretaries. That hurt her so much.

Since she wanted to be better at her job she was concentrating hard on it. And it made her happy at times. Of course there were days when she just hated the whole thing but she was trying to enjoy it as much as possible and learn something new each day. Plus there were some really interesting cases and interesting people to meet.

She barely thought of Gibbs anymore. She finally got over him which was huge for her. The problem was that she was still not over the cutting and the depression. She could manage them though. She could hide her feelings really well and her scars too. She had always thought that she could solve her own problems and she didn't need help. Somehow she felt that maybe this whole thing is her fault. The depression and the self-harm. She felt guilty. The thing about Jenny was that she always blamed herself for everything that didn't go well in her life. That could be a result of her childhood. She was bullied more than once in school and each time the person or people who bullied her got away with it. Nobody punished them for what they did. Anybody could do anything to her without consequences. Jenny wasn't the type of person who wanted revenge. She even thought that she deserved every bad thing that happened to her and it was her fault. Even her father told her that. He stood up for her in front of others but when they got home he told her that maybe it's really her fault and maybe she did something to deserve all that. From that moment on Jenny started to question everything she did or said or felt. Even she didn't believe herself. Maybe she lied. But not. Why would she? She didn't do anything. She was so naive as a child. She thought people are good and only good things happen in life. She didn't want to hurt anybody. Ever. She was friendly and nice to everyone. She even loved some people too much and people took advantage of that far too often. But there came a point in her life when all those pain, humiliation and worthless feeling made her a different person. She changed but she was still trying to act the way people expected her to act. She was afraid to show people what kind of person she really is.

Her self-harm issues were complicated. She even thought that if she would want to quit she could but the thing was that she didn't want to quit. In some ways she liked doing it. In a way she felt powerful that she did something most of the people around her wouldn't do. She thought that she's in control of cutting. She believed it with all her heart.


	14. Third time's a charm

**April 25, 2000**

Jenny was visiting her parents in Washington. Eve was cooking and Jenny was sitting at the kitchen table and they were having a nice chat. Jenny told her almost everything about what happened between her and Gibbs. From the beginning to the end. She wasn't really fond of him. She thought he and Jenny didn't really match. Also she was really surprised that Jenny could get away with this whole lying and hiding thing. She thought that she was gonna be caught. She didn't know anything about Jenny's self-harm issues. She noticed some signs of depression but she didn't want it to be anything serious so she was trying to avoid the whole thing. She was a good mother but there were things that she couldn't handle well.

As they were talking Jenny could hear her phone buzzing in the living room. She went there and checked it. She couldn't be more surprised about who sent her a text. Gibbs.

_Would you like to meet sometime?_

She froze. She didn't understand. _What?_ _Is he crazy?_ She let out a little giggle.

_- Mom, you won't believe this! _- she shouted.

_- What?_

Jenny went back to the kitchen.

_- Guess who sent me a message?_

_- Gibbs?_

_- Yeah, can you believe it?_ - Jenny was in a little shock.

_- What does he want?_

_- Meet me._

_- Then what are you waiting for?_

_- What? What do you mean? You think I should meet him? How many more times we can do this? Are we gonna do this dance until the end of time? It didn't work out twice. What does he expect? We haven't talked in 4 months. Why does he do that to me? He always shows up out of nowhere! I thought he already moved on. How did I even pop up in his mind? I don't understand._

_- Look, go meet him, I can see that that is what you want._

_- What are you talking about? I told you that I feel like I'm over him. This is ridiculous._

_- Give it a chance. Maybe third time's a charm. It's different than the last time. He and Andy only broke up and you were worried that it was too soon. But it was 4 months ago._

Jenny took a deep breath.

_- Maybe you are right. But if it wouldn't work out this time then it's really over. I don't want to spend my whole life trying to work this out with him._

Jenny went out for a little walk. She was thinking about what she should do. What she should write back. Then she made up her mind. She was gonna give it a try. For the last time. She wrote back.

_Yeah, it would be nice. I'm here at Washington visiting my parents. When should we meet?_

She was waiting. She was getting excited about it. Just like the old times. And then a reply came.

_Need to do some things first. Let's meet at 7 in the park._

She wrote back: _Okay._

After she sent it she started jumping up and down like a little child. She felt so happy she could cry. She thought a couple of times that she was over him but as soon as he showed up she fell for him all over again. This time it was different. She didn't feel at all guilty. A lot of time passed and she didn't care about Andy anymore. This was the first time she actually felt that she could give them a chance as a couple. She wanted it. She went back to her parents' house with the biggest smile on her face.

_- We're gonna meet at 7._

_- That's great._

_- Yeah. Thanks mom._

_- For what?_

_- For telling me to give it a try again._

_- I hope it will work out this time._

_- I hope so too._

It was 7 o'clock and Jenny was waiting in the park. She was really nervous. Suddenly Gibbs showed up. They went to greet each other.

_- Hi Jenny._

_- Hello Jethro. It's nice to see you._

_- You too. I thought you're gonna say no to my text._

_- Really? Well, I thought about it and I'm really sorry about the way I behaved earlier. It was wrong._

_- Let's forget it, okay?_

_- Okay._

They were taking a walk.

_- So what's up with you? I heard you moved to New York._

_- Yeah, I did._

_- And how is it?_

_- It's good. I like it there. I have a nice job._

_- What are you working?_

_- I'm a secretary at a law firm._

_- Really? That's great. You like it?_

_- I do. It's fine. You're still at NCIS, right?_

_- Yep. You know I wasn't really sure about what to expect from this meeting but it feels like nothing happened before. Like none of those bad things happened._

_- Well, I'm glad I see you and I don't know. I don't wanna think about the past. I wanna enjoy the present._

_- That's good. I'm glad that we can act like friends again._

_- Me too. So are you still living with Andy?_

_- Yeah. I don't know what happened. After a while we didn't care anymore about finding a new place. We are okay with each other now. Plus Mary broke up with her boyfriend and she didn't have anywhere else to go so she moved in too._

_- Wow. That's ... I don't know. So you are living with two women now. How nice._

_- Well, not really. I wanna move out but it's not really easy._

_- Yeah, I know._

_- So how long will you be here?_

_- I'm going back to New York tomorrow._

_- Oh. And do you think we could meet again before you go back?_

_- Yeah, definitely._

_- That's great. Well, I'll call you tomorrow in the morning._

_- Okay. Look, my parents are gonna be out tomorrow morning and they won't come home until noon so if you want to you can come over. We could watch a movie or something._

_- That sounds great. I'll call you when I woke up._

_- Alright. It was nice to see you, Jethro._

_- You too. Goodnight Jenny._

_- Goodnight._

They kissed each other on the cheek and they went home. Jenny didn't know what to expect but she was okay with that. Maybe tomorrow she could find out. She felt good that they met and it really felt like nothing happened before. That made her happy. She had a good night sleep that night.


	15. Baby steps

**My dear anonymous reviewer please tell me your name. I love you dearly and I would like to know how should I call you. It would be more personal than just calling you "anonymous reviewer". ;P Your reviews make my days. Thank you. Here's the next chapter. I hope you'll like it. And of course I hope others will like it too. Enjoy! :)**

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><p><strong>April 26, 2000<strong>

Jenny woke up early that morning just like Gibbs. He called her and he was at Jenny's parents' house by 8 o'clock.

Jenny had some expectations and theories about what should happen that morning. She had past experiences with Gibbs so she thought this day he's gonna kiss her and start a relationship. She didn't want to make the first move, she was waiting for him but he seemed a bit uninterested. Jenny gave him time.

They went to the living room, sat down on the couch and watched some movies. She thought that he wouldn't have a better opportunity than that one. They were watching some thriller and Jenny thought there will be a scary scene where she can "accidentally" hold his hand because she was "scared" but she wasn't lucky. She knew that the idea was so childish but she was really not good with relationships and dating. She thought Gibbs will be the one who will slowly make a move and hold her hand or something but nothing happened. She became a little disappointed and sad. She thought maybe he changed his mind. She couldn't blame him. He wouldn't be the first one. She had that experience in the past. It was horrible.

So after they finished the movies they went to Jenny's room. They still had a little time before her parents came home. They sat down on her couch. Their bodies were touching. It felt like they couldn't talk about anything. The day before it seemed like they could continue as friends but at that moment Jenny felt like she had nothing to say. Nothing came to her mind. Surprisingly Jenny finally felt that it was okay. It was okay that they couldn't talk. This was the third time they tried this and they had to realize that it won't work out. They could finally move on. That wasn't something she expected to feel that morning because she had other expectations but she was alright with it. She took a deep breath.

Suddenly Gibbs stood up, turned around to face Jenny, looked into her eyes and picked her up from the couch and walked to her bed with her in his arms. He laid her down on her back. Jenny let out a little giggle. He laid down next to her on his stomach. They were looking at each other. Jenny was waiting.

_- Close your eyes._ - said Gibbs.

_- Why?_ - asked Jenny with a smile.

_- Just close your eyes please._

Jenny did as he asked. She had an idea what will happen but she was trying not to expect anything and just be present. After a few moments Gibbs kissed her. Maybe he was not so uninterested after all. They were softly kissing and touching. Gibbs wanted more. He was trying to get into Jenny's pants. Jenny stopped him. She didn't feel like doing anything more. She didn't want to rush it. She didn't want to be worried that her parents will come home while they will be in the middle of ... things. She wanted their first time to be perfect or at least almost perfect. She didn't want it to be quick and to just get over it. Jenny looked at the clock and realized that Gibbs should go. She didn't want him to meet her parents. She didn't like the idea. It would be really awkward. Her family life was so complicated and she hated it when she had to introduce anyone to them.

_- Sorry but I have to go back to New York soon and I have to pack and everything so is it okay if we would continue this at another time?_

_- Yeah, of course._

They were walking to the front door.

_- So, you wanna meet again?_ - asked Jenny.

_- Yes, I do._

_- That's great. Well, call me, okay?_

_- Okay. Have a nice trip back to New York._

_- Thanks!_

_- Talk to you soon._

_- Okay. Bye!_

_- Bye!_

They kissed each other at the door and then he left. Jenny felt good. She felt like things were gonna be fine. After 5 minutes her phone was buzzing. She went to check it.

_I hope I didn't do anything that you didn't like. I don't want to ruin anything this time._

Jenny smiled. She knew that he was referring to that moment when he wanted to get into her pants and she didn't let him.

_Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong. Wait for next time. ;)_

She wanted to be with him just not in a rush.

After a while her parents came home, she packed her things and she was going back to New York.

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><p><strong>May 1, 2000<strong>

As unbelievable as it was Jenny and Gibbs were finally in a relationship with each other. After all the pain, lies, anger, hiding, trying, regrets and guilt they found a way to make it work and this time both of them found the strength within themselves to want this relationship to work out. Even though they lived in different cities they didn't really think that distance could come between them. They were talking on the phone every day for at least an hour. Jenny would never thought that she could talk on the phone for an hour with anybody and she always found it weird when people did that but that hour flew away so quickly. Jenny was happy. She felt that all that suffering meant something.

Jenny got home from work and her phone was ringing. She smiled and picked it up.

_- Hey!_

_- Hey Jen! What's up?_

_- Just got home. Had a hard day at work. How are you?_

_- Fine. I'm home too. Look, Andy and Mary told me that they will go away for the weekend so I have the house all to myself. I was wondering if you would like to come and spend this weekend with me?_

_- Um, yeah, of course I want to, but are you sure they won't show up out of the blue because if they do I'm gonna be killed and you know that._

_- I'm sure they won't. They are going to visit their families so they won't come home. Trust me._

_- I trust you, it's not that, I'm just worried and I don't want any complications._

_- Don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine. So you'll come?_

_- Yes. I'll go. When do they leave?_

_- Friday morning and they'll come home on Sunday afternoon._

_- Alright. Then I'm gonna be there around 11 on Friday so we can still have the afternoon together and I'll leave before noon on Sunday. Is that okay with you?_

_- Perfect._

_- Okay, today is Tuesday so we'll see each other in less than 3 days._

_- I can't wait._

_- I'm so excited._

_- I have to go now. I'm gonna have an early start tomorrow. I'm really happy that you said yes._

_- Me too. Well, go sleep. We'll talk tomorrow._

_- Okay. Sleep tight._

_- You too. Bye!_

_- Bye!_

They hung up. Jenny was really happy and excited but still kind of worried that Andy or Mary will show up. It's risky but she wanted to go. Finally they can really spend time with each other like a normal couple. She knew that it was weird that Gibbs was still living with his ex and her girlfriend but she couldn't do anything to change that. She had to accept it. She couldn't tell him what to do. And she didn't want to tell him. They will figure out how to handle it.


	16. The weekend

**Dear Lisa: I love your name! :) Um, Jenny's past is going to become an important part of the story soon.**

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><p><strong>May 4, 2000<strong>

Jenny was ready to go and spend the weekend with Gibbs. She was really excited but a little bit nervous. She was nervous not just because of the Andy and Mary thing but also because she knew that this was going to be their first time. What happened in Paris didn't really count as first time. Well, obviously. She wanted it to be great. She had a lot of plans. She needed to have plans for every situation that might come up (not just with Gibbs but life in general) otherwise she feared that everything will fall apart and she didn't know how she would react in a certain situation that she didn't think about. She obviously had control issues. In spite of all the good things that were happening to her lately she still had very hard and awful days and cutting was still something she had to deal with almost daily. She didn't cut herself daily she just felt the urge. She cut herself about once a week. She was trying not to cut in a week and let her wounds heal because she didn't want Gibbs to see the scars.

She put her bags in her car and left for Washington. She arrived at 11 o'clock. Gibbs was waiting for her in front of the house. She got out of the car, ran into Gibbs' arms and kissed him. She could not be happier.

_- Hi!_

_- Hey! Welcome! I'm glad you're finally here!_

_- Me too._

_- Come in!_

Gibbs went to the car, picked up her bags and brought them into the house.

_- So do you want something to eat or drink? I bought some things I thought you would like._

_- Aw, that's so nice of you, thanks. I don't want anything right now, maybe later._

_- Okay, so what would you like to do? We have the whole weekend ahead of us._

_- Well ..._

Jenny smiled at Gibbs and walked into the bedroom. She laid down on the bed. Gibbs put her bags down in the living room and then followed her into the bedroom. He stood at the door and watched her laying on the bed. A smile appeared on his face.

_- I'm really glad you are here._

_- I'm glad too. Come here._

He laid down on the bed next to her and kissed her. Finally the time had come when they didn't have to worry about anything. They could just enjoy their time together. Although Jenny was secretly worried about the girls coming home but she tried not to think about it. Jenny was always worried. She could hide it most of the times. She worried about anything and everything. She couldn't remember when was the last time when she was actually relaxed. Even when she thought she was relaxed she wasn't. Sometimes she felt so hopeless about it. At times she even felt sorry for herself. She just wanted an easy life. She wanted simple things but nothing was simple. Not for her. There were times when just talking felt like physical pain. She knew she had a lot of issues but she thought there was no way she could solve them. Where should she start? She didn't know. She needed distraction. She needed to feel something other than worry. Those were the times when sex came in handy.

The way he touched and kissed her made her feel like she was in heaven. She was trying to concentrate on him and how he made her feel. But no matter how hard she tried random things popped up in her mind when she least expected it.

His right hand went down to her pants. She didn't stop him this time. He pushed one finger inside her and she took a deep breath. She felt like she was in Paris again. She kissed him hard. She grabbed his hair and he pushed another finger inside her. Jenny was a very passionate woman. There were times when she became a little aggressive too. She couldn't help herself. She couldn't decide that it was because she had so much anger inside or because she liked extremes. She was either really soft or aggressive. She didn't do anything half way. She enjoyed it when a man showed dominance. Other times she liked to be the one who controlled things. She had a hard time figuring herself out and it didn't surprise her that others had difficulty with it too. She was hard to read. She feared that most people won't care enough to know her better so they would misunderstand her which happened most of the times.

She felt a familiar sensation. Tingling in her whole body just like in Paris. He was really good and she really missed him. He was moving his fingers quickly. He was kissing her neck. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't take it any longer. Her body gave up. She let out a loud moan as she came. He looked at her and smiled.

_- I want to see and hear that every single day._

Jenny giggled a little.

_- I could get used to this every day._

They kissed. He laid down next to her. Suddenly Jenny was on top of him.

_- Wow. That was quick._

_- I don't waste my precious time. _- Jenny said with a kinky smirk on her face.

_- I like that._

Jenny kissed him and her hand went down in his pants and grabbed him. He moaned. She started to move her hand and then ...

_- Stop!_ - Gibbs said.

_- Why? Did I do something wrong?_ - Jenny didn't expect that reaction. She was really self-conscious.

_- No. I just really have to pee._ - he smiled.

She smiled back but it was a shy smile. She started to worry.

_- I'm gonna come back in a minute._

Gibbs got off the bed and walked to the bathroom. Then he stopped and went back to Jenny and whispered to her nicely.

_- Hey! Don't you ever think that you do something wrong, okay?_

Jenny smile and said: Okay.

He kissed her and walked away. She was sitting on the bed. It felt weird. Even though he told her she didn't do anything wrong she started to question her every move.

He came back and kissed her again. She felt a bit awkward so she didn't try to do anything. She was waiting for him to make the next move. He laid her down. He slowly pulled her pants down. Then she pulled his shirt down. All of their clothes slowly disappeared.

_- You are so beautiful._ - whispered Gibbs while he was softly stroking her skin.

Jenny smiled and kissed him. She wanted him more than anything. The touch of his body made her more and more excited. He softly caressed and kissed her whole body. She couldn't wait any longer. He could feel that. She kept his body as close to hers as she could. She held him like she wouldn't want to let him go. Ever. They were making love for hours. It was perfect for a first time. Jenny fell asleep with a huge smile on her face that night.

They spent almost the whole weekend in bed. They wasted too much time seperately and they didn't want to waste any more minute. They only went for a little walk, just to go outside. They watched some movies in bed, talked, caught up with things. Jenny finally felt like she was in a real relationship. She actually believed that it could work out this time. She was really happy with the way things were going.

Jenny planned to tell Gibbs that she loved him when she was leaving. She wanted to say it out loud. She wanted him to know. They knew the next time when they could see each other was going to be in 2 weeks. It was hard for Jenny. She wanted to spend as much time with him as she could but their work and financial status could not let them meet more often so they had to accept that they were going to see each other every 2 weeks. If they were lucky.

It was time for Jenny to go home. They were standing at her car hugging each other.

_- I'm really happy that we could spend this weekend together. Too bad it was this short._ - said Jen.

_- I'm happy too. We'll see each other soon._

_- In 2 weeks._

_- Yeah. It's almost here._

_- Well...almost._

_- We'll talk on the phone and text. We'll figure it out how to make it work._

_- Yeah, I know. I miss you already._

_- I miss you too. Don't be sad. We'll meet in no time._

_- Uhum. Can't wait._

Jenny really wanted to tell him that she loved him but somehow she couldn't say it out loud. She was always afraid of telling anybody about her feelings. She thought maybe next time.

They kissed each other and then she got into her car.

_- Take care, Jenny. Call me when you arrived._

_- Okay. Bye Jethro!_

_- Bye!_

And then she drove away. Even though she missed him she was happy because she could finally be alone again. She needed to relax a bit and have time alone. Even though she loved him and they knew each other a long time she still felt the need to pretend like a normal human being all weekend and it was exhausting for Jenny. She also needed time to think about all the things that happened in the last days. She needed time to overthink everything like she always does.

Finally she arrived home. She called Gibbs to tell him she arrived home safely. She thought that telling Gibbs that she loved him on the phone would be lame but since she screwed up and couldn't tell him in person, just before he hung up she told him _"I love you"_. She felt that she needed to tell it to him. She needed him to know. He waited some seconds and said _"I love you too"_. Jenny smiled and they hung up.

She spent the rest of the day overanalyzing everything about the weekend. She didn't think she'll survive the next 2 weeks but she had no other choice. Their next meeting couldn't come fast enough.


	17. Opening up

**May 19, 2000**

Two weeks went by and they could finally meet again. This time Gibbs went to visit Jenny. They spoke on the phone every day but it was not enough. Jenny couldn't wait to be with him. Even though they had a history together Jenny felt like it was time to get to know each other better. She still had moments when she wasn't sure if they were actually together or she was just imagining it. In the past she imagined many times that Gibbs was there with her and how their conversation would go. She was dreaming about it for so long she couldn't believe that it came true. At times she realized that she still didn't think of Gibbs as her boyfriend but Andy's boyfriend and it was really weird. She got so used to the fact that he and Andy were together that she couldn't process the fact that he was actually her boyfriend. Jenny thought it was maybe wrong that she thought about him that way but she couldn't help it.

Two weeks ago when she was with him the whole weekend there was a moment when Jenny's secret was about to reveal itself. She had a few bracelets on her wrists so he couldn't see her scars. Even though they were healed she was afraid he might see them. One time he was fooling around and asked if she was hiding something under those bracelets. He couldn't have known that he was actually right. She just laughed. From that moment on she was thinking about telling him about her cutting. She trusted him and loved him so much she wanted to be honest with him. So she planned to tell him about her secret when they'll meet. He would be the first person to whom she would tell it face to face. She wanted to share her secret with somebody and she chose him.

So the time came and Gibbs finally arrived to Jenny's place in New York. They couldn't wait any longer and in some minutes they were already in bed. A while later they were laying in bed, Jenny was hugging him and stroking his face gently and it hit her: she was genuinely happy and she wished that moment could last forever. She was in bed with the man she loved and she had never felt that way before. After a while she thought the time had come when she should tell him about her cutting. She wasn't sure about how she should say it but she started it anyway:

_- Hey! Look, I wanna tell you something._

_- Okay, what?_

_- Um... I'm not sure how to say this because I've never told it to anybody before._

_- Alright._

_- Um... Do you remember last time when I went to visit you and you were joking about my bracelets that I might hiding something with them?_

_- Um... Yeah._

_- Well, you were right. I am hiding something. The thing is that ... _- she took a deep breath -_ ... I'm cutting myself._

_- What?_

_- I'm cutting myself._

_- But why?_

_- Well, you know I had a lot of things going on lately and I don't know I just ended up doing it._

_- For how long?_

_- Well, I started about a year ago._

_- Wow. That long? Wait... Did you start it because of me?_

_- Well, partly because of you. I mean things were complicated and you know it wasn't easy for me._

He looked sad and hurt. She didn't want that. She suddenly felt bad about telling him she cut herself partly because of him. No one would want to hear that but she wanted to be honest with him and she also wanted him to know that he did actually hurt her more than he thought.

_- Look, I'm sorry I didn't want you to feel bad about that. I just wanted to be honest with you. It's not your fault, it's mine._

_- Well, this hurts a bit._

_- I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you._

_- Can I see it?_

_- Um... Yeah, but you can't really see much because they are healed now._

She showed her wrist to him. There was not much to see about it at that moment. If she looked closely she could see the lines. She didn't cut herself in a week because she didn't want him to see how badly she hurt herself. Even she was shocked sometimes.

_- I can't see anything._

_- I told you. I didn't cut myself recently because I didn't want you to see how bad it looks. But come to the light, you can maybe see that there._

They got out of the bed and went to the bathroom.

_- Now you can see there are the lines._

_- This is nothing. I can barely see them. It's not a big deal._

And he left the bathroom. She stood there and she realized maybe it's not a big thing after all. Who cares about it? She told about it to the person who was in love with her and he thought it was not a big deal then maybe he was right. She maybe overrated its importance. She went back to the bedroom. He was laying on the bed. She joined him.

_- Look, what do you want me to say? You wouldn't stop cutting yourself if I asked you to, would you?_

_- Um... I don't know. Maybe not._

_- See. Then what do you expect me to do?_

_- Nothing. I just wanted to tell you, that's it._

_- You are silly to do this but it's your business._

_- Yeah._

Jenny became a little sad. If even he didn't care about something like this then who else would? She didn't know what would be the right reaction for something like this but she was sure that Gibbs' reaction was not the one she expected. She thought he would be concerned, at least just a little bit since he was a big part of the reason why she started to cut in the first place. She felt stupid for telling it.

The rest of the day went good. She tried not to think about what happened earlier. They had a nice shower together with candle light. They had a good time. They spent the night watching movies, fooling around and laughing. She tried to enjoy the moment as much as possible.

* * *

><p>The next morning Gibbs' phone was ringing. He picked it up. It sounded work related. He hung up and turned to Jenny.<p>

_- I'm really sorry but I have to go back to Washington. It's urgent._

_- Oh no! But the weekend..._

_- I know and I'm sorry but I have no choice._

_- Okay, yeah, I get it. When do you have to leave?_

_- Now._

_- What?_

_- I have to go Jenny. I am really sorry. Next time we'll have bigger luck._

_- Well, I hope so. But it's 2 weeks from now._

_- I know. Look, I have to pack and go._

_- Okay._

Jenny was really sad. They only had one day. Well, less than one day. But she couldn't do anything about it.

Gibbs left in 30 minutes. For Jenny things happened really fast she couldn't process it so quickly. She needed to lay down and give herself time. After a few minutes she thought maybe it's better that he went back. Things were messy the day before because of her little confession. She was disappointed. After 30 minutes she fell asleep. Nothing felt right that day.


	18. Inappropriate behaviour & other troubles

**June 9, 2000**

Jenny was about to go to Washington. Andy and Mary were out so Gibbs invited her to spend the weekend at his place. Jenny found out that she absolutely hated long-distance relationships. No matter how much they wanted to meet every 2 weeks they couldn't. Things just got in the way. Jenny didn't see him in 3 weeks and she really felt bad about it. It felt like they barely see each other. She was hoping that this time won't end like their weekend earlier. They got only one day together. It was nothing.

The other thing that bothered Jenny was that since she told Gibbs she cut herself he brought it up every single day when they were talking on the phone. He wasn't concerned, he was making jokes about it. It really hurt Jenny. After a while she told him to stop because she didn't like to talk about it every day. It felt like a huge mistake telling him her dark secret. She felt like an idiot.

One time when they were talking on the phone she asked Gibbs if he had any plan to move out from the house and not to live with his ex-girlfriend anymore but he just didn't really wanted to talk about it. He didn't want to solve the problem. She didn't think it's normal to live with your ex after you broke up but it seemed like Gibbs didn't think the same way. So she let it be. She didn't want to be the kind of girlfriend who tells her boyfriend what to do and if he doesn't then she's freaking out.

While she was driving to Washington she started to be worried. What if the girls show up out of nowhere. Same old, same old. Jenny's life was all about worrying and not because she liked it. She didn't know how it feels when she is relaxed.

She was also excited to see Gibbs. After she arrived she found herself in bed with Gibbs. He was tired and right after they had sex he fell asleep. Jenny didn't know what to do with herself. She felt like crying and she was devastated and she didn't know why. She got out of bed and sat down on the floor. She was always scared that those feeling would attack her at the worst time and now she felt like it was the worst time. She didn't have time to be depressed. She only had 3 days to spend with Gibbs and she didn't want to ruin them with her ungovernable feelings. She suddenly just wanted to die. She was so scared of breaking down in front of another person. She also thought that there were only 2 ways this madness could end. Either she will get better or she will kill herself. She always thought that she will die by her own hands. She felt awful. She was desperate. She had to get herself together before Gibbs woke up.

He woke up in an hour. She wanted to act normal but out of nowhere she started to cry. She couldn't stop. Gibbs was hugging her but after 5 minutes he got tired of it and told Jenny to stop. Jenny felt like nobody understood her. Why couldn't she cry? She had no idea why she was crying but she just couldn't do anything about it. She tried to act as normal as possible all the time and once in a while when she was down nobody understood her and nobody wanted to deal with her. She had no choice but to stop crying and act normal.

After some time she finally started to feel better. She tried to have as much fun as she could so they could forget about her "inappropriate" behaviour earlier. The rest of the weekend went okay as usual. Fortunately none of them had to leave earlier than expected.

* * *

><p>Things went like this for a while. They met as much as they could but things got in the way from time to time. Beside that their relationship was good. Of course it wasn't perfect but it was good.<p>

In August things changed. Jenny didn't know why. Gibbs started to act different. Maybe she acted different too but she couldn't tell. There were times when they were lucky enough to meet more often and suddenly Gibbs felt like they spent too much time together. While he and Andy were together they saw each other every day and he didn't complain about that. Now he and Jenny could meet more often than 2 or 3 weeks and suddenly Gibbs thought it was too much.

He also lied about some things to Jenny and when she found out and questioned him about it he made her feel like it was her fault. She was never the typical nightmare girlfriend and yet he acted like she was. Jenny was confused.

One time when they met Jethro looked at Jenny's wrist and it was clear. He said:

_- You don't have any cuts, I guess you are doing okay._

If only he knew Jenny only didn't cut herself because she was afraid that Gibbs would once saw her cuts. The truth was that on the day Gibbs said this to Jenny she couldn't think about anything else just cutting and she knew that she had to stay clean until Gibbs leaves. After he told her that she went home and the first thing she did was cutting herself. She knew he wouldn't check it again so she could do it. She had days when the only thing she could think about was cutting. She felt like she was going crazy.

Sometimes it felt like Gibbs didn't know her at all or he saw her as an entirely different person. Jenny realized that their relationship just started to fall apart. Something changed. She had to be honest with herself. She wasn't in love with him anymore. At least she felt like she wasn't.

In September their relationship hit its lowest point. They barely talked to each other. Everything felt wrong. She didn't feel loved at all. It bothered her. She didn't want to waste her time or his time on a relationship that didn't work. She was trying to talk about it with him but he told her that he didn't want to lose her. She felt like that too but still something was not right.

At the end of September Jenny made a decision. They couldn't meet so they couldn't talk face to face. It was unfortunate but Jenny didn't want to wait. It was one problem that their relationship wasn't good but they both knew that they won't live in the same city because Jenny didn't want to go back to Washington and Gibbs didn't want to move to New York. Their relationship was doomed.

One evening Jenny told Gibbs that she thought they should end it. Something changed along the way. She told him to be friends and that she hoped he'll find someone he can be happy with. He told her the same thing. That was how it ended. Just like that.

That night Jenny was sitting on her bed and suddenly started to cry. It just hit her what happened. They broke up. She finally felt like she was still in love with him and maybe it was a huge mistake to end their relationship but after some minutes she remembered that it didn't work. Emotions attacked her. Then she thought about how much time she invested in this relationship and how much she suffered. She spent about a year and a half being involved with him and she only got a 5 month relationship. Plus it didn't really felt like a relationship sometimes because she still felt like hiding from the world. She felt bad for herself. How much pain and suffering and time she invested in this and she felt like it didn't really worth it. She felt even worse after she realized that. She was a mess. She thought she was gonna get over the breakup quickly. She was so wrong...


	19. The end of her rope

**CONTAINS SELF-HARM.**

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><p><strong>So I just wanted all of you to know that the JennyGibbs storyline is almost over. ALMOST. I can tell you that he will be mentioned and it's gonna be _!important!_ but their relationship is really over. To be honest I didn't really wanted to write about their relationship anymore and getting lost in little details and that's why in the latest chapters I just wrote down the most important things. I could have done the more detailed thing but I think we've seen enough of that screwed up relationship already. Plus in real life I just found out a really important thing about "Gibbs" (I mean about the guy who is Gibbs in the story) and it made me not wanting to write about him anymore. Of course I'm gonna stay true to the storyline and tell things how they were with him and eventually I'm gonna write down what I found out about him a couple of days ago. ****BUT ****don't think that because the Jibbs storyline is almost over that Jenny's life is suddenly gonna go back to normal. It wasn't Gibbs who screwed her life up although he did screw it up in some levels. From now on Jenny's past is gonna become a really important part of the story and really unexpected things will happen to her so her life is not gonna get boring after Gibbs.**

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><p><strong><span><em>Dear Lisa<em>: as you wished I'm gonna tell secrets from Jenny's past. She really has to face her demons from now on. Things are going to get dark. I hope you'll enjoy it. :) Plus I wanna reply to your reviews.**

**First: He really was a jerk for saying cutting is not a big deal and the fact that he was actually joking about it is just disgusting. NOBODY who's dealing with self-harm should ever think that it's nothing serious because it is and just because someone makes you feel like it's nothing that doesn't make it true. GET HELP! And get away from the people in your lives who make you uncomfortable.**

**Second: I can understand real life is hectic. That's why I didn't update the story sooner. :/ I'm glad you liked the new chapters. Gibbs is a shitty boyfriend. I hate to say this about him because I like Gibbs on the show. Although Gibbs also has his past and we can't fully judge him just by the way she treated Jenny. But something is really wrong with him too and I'm not sure he's ever gonna be aware of it. And you are right, Jenny is messed up. I hope that the future chapters will give you some answers to why she's that screwed up. We don't see Gibbs' point of view about Jenny but I have to tell you that Jenny is not a perfect girlfriend. Somebody who's that screwed up can't be perfect in anything. Everybody just has to admit that. She is sick and she needs help and after that MAYBE she has a chance at a normal life. I'm not gonna lie and say that Jenny did everything right and she didn't deserve how Gibbs treated her. She didn't deserve a lot of things but she's not flawless. She just doesn't know how to act in a relationship. She has to learn it but first she has to get well and be okay with herself and get to know herself better. Their relationship is really weird and not at all normal. From the beginning it was doomed and it should never even happen. She was desperate and in a really bad place and she just wanted to be loved and cared for and she only got attention from Gibbs. She is really troubled. You said Jenny in the show is more of a fighter. I agree. And I adore Jenny (and Gibbs) but in this story Jenny is just confused and screwed up. I'm really interested in your opinion about Jenny in future chapters. Life changing things are going to happen. I wish she could be a fighter in this story but I don't really wanna judge her since I'm not objective as you know. Also I wanna thank you for your last review. It opened my eyes about certain things about myself and I'm absolutely grateful for that. :) THANK YOU!**

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><p><strong>I hope all of you are gonna enjoy the rest of the story! If you have an opinion about it don't hesitate to tell me. I would like to hear your thoughts about the story and the characters. :)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>October 3, 2000<strong>

Almost a week went by since Jenny and Gibbs broke up and Jenny spent every day crying unexpectedly. She started to feel like she lost control over her feelings and the out-of-the-blue crying scared her to death. She wasn't really a crying type and suddenly she just couldn't help it. The day before she felt like everything was about to fall apart around her. Everything she did turned out to be wrong. She couldn't take it anymore, she needed a little time off from work and more importantly...life. She asked for a day off and she went home to her parents. She needed company and she needed to talk to someone. She needed her mother.

She arrived to her parents' house at 10 in the morning. Her father wasn't at home. Jenny and her mom were sitting at the kitchen and talking. Jenny told her about Gibbs and that they broke up.

_- Well, to be honest, I've never thought that you two matched._ - Eve told her.

_- Then why did you tell me to give him another chance? The last time he texted me I was here and you told me to meet him. If you thought we are not good together then why did you want me to meet him?_

_- Because I thought that was what you wanted._

_- What? I can't believe it. I felt like I'd had enough of him and the only reason why I met him was because you told me. I trusted you more than I trusted myself._ - Jenny was really angry.

_- I thought that was what you wanted._

_- Okay. It doesn't matter anymore. I just don't know what is happening with me. I don't have any friends, I don't really have anything._

_- Maybe you should change._

_- What?_

_- Maybe it's your fault that your life is a mess. Do something! - _Eve was getting angry too.

_- Why do you think that it's my fault. Why is that people are blaming me for everything? I'm different so what? Why should I be like everybody else?_

_- You should look into yourself a little._

They were suddenly fighting. Jenny felt horrible and completely alone. Her mother was her only hope and now she was blaming Jenny too for everything. Jenny left the house. She needed a walk. She needed to go some place safe. She was completely desperate. She had no idea what to do. She had never felt so lonely in her entire life. She went to her favourite place. She went to the park. No one was there. She felt like crying. She needed to calm down to she went to a shop near to the park to buy a pack of cigarettes. She did that from time to time. She was walking in the park, smoking a cigarette and her thoughts and feelings were all over the place. Out of nowhere she had an idea. She wanted to talk to Gibbs so she called him on the phone. She didn't want to meet him or anything, she didn't want to tell him that she was at Washington, she just wanted to talk. They were still friends. At least she thought they were.

_- Yes?_

_- Hey, it's me, Jenny. You have a minute?_

_- Hey, what's up?_

_- I just wanted to talk to you._

_- Oh, okay._

_- What are you doing?_

_- I'm at work. You?_

_- I'm taking a walk. I just had a fight with my mother and I just needed to calm down._

_- What did you fight about?_

_- Me. She said that I should change. Everything is my fault._ - she really wanted to hear that her mother was wrong and she's okay the way she is. She thought Gibbs would tell it to her.

_- Maybe she is right._

Jenny just couldn't breathe. The world started spinning with her. She quietly started crying. Everything was over. She had no one by her side who thought that she was a good person. She lost all her hope all of a sudden. That was the end for Jenny.

_- Yeah, maybe she is right._ - said Jenny with a shaky voice. Gibbs didn't even notice that she was crying which made her feel even worse. He was talking about himself and things at work and Jenny was trying to concentrate but she couldn't really.

_- Well, go back to work. I'm glad we could talk._ - said Jenny. Lies, lies, lies.

_- Me too. Take care. Talk to you soon. Bye!_

_- Bye._

Jenny hung up. She kneeled down on the concrete and she bursted out crying. She felt hopeless, lonely and totally worthless. She had nothing more left to lose. She had nothing and no one. It scared her to death. She slowly put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a razorblade. She had only one aim. Making deep cuts and see lots of blood. Make everything go away. She was about to cut herself when her phone rang. She picked it up.

_- Yeah?_

_- It's me, Jethro._

_- What do you want?_

_- I just forgot to say that I love you._

Jenny's heart closed up. She could barely speak. Tears were running down on her face.

_- I love you too._

_- Don't be sad, everything's gonna be okay._

_- Yeah._

_- Now I really have to go, I just wanted to tell you that._

_- Yeah, thank you. Bye._

_- Bye._

Jenny felt much worse. With that feeling she pushed the razor down on her left wrist. She did it again and again. There was blood everywhere on her wrist. She felt a little better but not much. She was staring at all the blood. Then after a few minutes she wiped it with a tissue. Then she lit a cigarette. She slowly started to feel okay again. What a relief. Too bad it didn't last long. After 10 minutes she felt bad again. Even worse than before. She didn't cry this time. She sat down on the concrete and she was staring at the distance. She felt numb. She felt endless nothingness inside her. She felt like she was in another dimension. There was no better word for it. She lost touch with reality. She felt like falling inside. She couldn't stop. Everything felt so far away. She couldn't move. A thought came to her head. She could kill herself right now and nobody could stop her. She had a razorblade in her pocket, nobody was around. She could actually go through with it. Why should she stay alive? Nobody loved her or cared for her. And even if anyone loved her she couldn't feel it. What was the point of living then? That was the first time when Jenny actually considered suicide. She thought about it a lot before but this time it was really an option and the opportunity was real. She pulled the razor out of her pocket. She was looking at it. She had nothing to lose. She lost her mind completely. She couldn't think clearly. It was a big surprise to her that even in that state of mind she could still find herself deep inside. Suddenly she remembered her mother. She really loved Jenny and Jenny knew that. She couldn't do this to her. She couldn't leave her. Even though she hurt her feelings, Jenny couldn't cause her so much pain. She realized that she just talked herself out of suicide. It was like a miracle. She didn't know how it was possible that in a state of mind where she felt like she was watching herself from outside and she could barely control herself she was still capable of finding her old self and give herself hope to not give up like that. She was still rational somewhere deep inside. It was the weirdest thing.

So she put her razor back into her pocket and walked back home to her parents' house. She still felt like she was watching herself from outside of her body. She couldn't explain it any better. She didn't really know how she got to the house and she didn't know what she did the rest of the day. She found herself in bed and it was dark outside. She was laying in bed and fear was building up inside her. She quickly turned on the lamp. She tried to recognize the feeling she felt but she had never felt like that before. After some seconds she knew. She was utterly scared of being alone in the dark. She didn't trust herself at all. She was really afraid that she would kill herself in that state of mind. She had to concentrate hard and focus on not going completely crazy. She couldn't trust her actions anymore. Her mother told her before to go to a doctor and get help but she refused. That was the moment in bed when she finally had to admit that she couldn't go on with her life like this anymore, being afraid 24/7 of when will be the time she's gonna do something reckless. She thought for so long that she could fix her problems but the time came when she had to admit that she was just not strong enough. She needed help. Professional help. She needed to get better. She needed to give herself a chance at life. She realized that she thought about killing herself so many times and she had the chance today and she couldn't do it. Maybe deep down something in her really wanted to survive.

She was so afraid of being alone that night in the dark that she went to her mother's bedroom. Her parents didn't sleep together. She woke her up.

_- Hey! Sorry to wake you up but can I sleep here with you tonight? I just can't sleep alone._

_- Of course. Come here._

Jenny laid down in the bed and turned to her mother.

_- I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow and ask for a psychologist. This has to end._

_- Okay. I'm glad you decided that._

She smiled at Jenny and Jenny felt a little bit better. She made the decision to save her own life. It felt good. She fell asleep quickly.

* * *

><p><strong>October 4, 2000<strong>

Jenny and her mom woke up at the same time. They were drinking their coffee in bed and they were talking. Jenny had to go back to New York to work and to go to her doctor.

_- I'm glad you made up your mind about the doctor thing._

_- Yeah, me too. I don't have any other choice._

_- Look, I'm sure Gibbs loved you and he still does._

Jenny started crying. She couldn't talk about that.

_- Mom, please, don't talk about that, okay. Sorry but I have to go now, get dressed and go back to New York._

She got out of bed and went to the bathroom. She needed to calm down. She was tired of crying. She quickly got ready and she was about to leave.

_- Take care and please call me after you went to the doctor._

_- Okay, mom._

_- Bye honey! I love you!_

_- Love you too. Bye._

And Jenny drove away. After she arrived home she went to work. She was more nervous than she used to be. She was nervous about the doctor and the future. She realized that she couldn't even look into other people's eyes. She couldn't really concentrate on anything at work. She was shaking. She tried to avoid as much people as she could. After she finished working she went to the doctor.

She wasn't really sure about what she should say. She knew the doctor and the assistant well and it was kind of awkward for her but she had no other choice. She sat down to talk to them. Unfortunately from the moment she tried to speak she bursted out crying and she could barely say a word. The doctor and the assistant were really worried about her. They had never seen her like that. She was completely broken. Jenny couldn't stop crying. She just couldn't speak about her feelings. The doctor told her to go to a psychiatric hospital as soon as possible. Jenny didn't expect that. She was sure that the doctor only sent her to a hospital because of her unstoppable crying. Jenny didn't think the problem was that big. But she said okay and went home. The doctor told her to go to a hospital in the next few hours.

As she was walking home she was still crying. She literally felt her life falling apart and she couldn't do anything about it. The thought of going to a psychiatric hospital made her feel really nervous. At the same time she thought that maybe it could help. She was trying to figure out how to explain her absence at work. She had no idea. While she was walking along other people it hit her that how stange it was that her life was falling apart in that exact moment and nobody noticed. Life was weird in that way. She was saying to herself: _"This is not my life. This can't happen to me."_ over and over again. Everything was surreal.

After she arrived home she called her mother and she told her everything. Eve told her not to go into the hospital. She told her to go back to the doctor the next day and try to talk to her again. They were talking on the phone for a long time and Jenny was talking about her feelings. It made her feel so much better and she calmed down. She finally knew that her mother was by her side and she knew that she should get better. Jenny wanted to be completely honest with Eve. She thought that maybe that's the only way she could get better. If she was completely honest. She also wanted to tell her about her cutting. She thought that maybe if Eve would know about it she wouldn't hurt herself anymore because that would hurt Eve too. But she didn't know how to tell her. How could anyone tell that to their mother. To someone who loved them more than anybody else. It would her hurt so much. Then she remembered Gibbs' reaction and she thought maybe it was not such a big deal. She made a plan. After she goes back to the doctor the next day she will go back to Washington and spend some time with her mother. She just couldn't be alone. She needed company. Her state was critical and she was scared that she might change her mind all of a sudden.

* * *

><p><strong>October 5, 2000<strong>

Jenny went back to the doctor. Jenny told her that the day before her condition seemed worse than it actually was and she just wanted to see a psychologist. She needed to talk to someone. She didn't want to be in a hospital. The doctor understood that and sent her to a psychologist.

Jenny felt much better and she was off to Washington. She planned to spend her weekend there.

Eve was really glad to see her. They were talking for hours. Jenny really wanted to tell her about her cutting but still had no idea how. She needed courage.

_- Mom, I wanna tell you something important._

_- Okay, what is it?_

_- Ummm..._

_- What?_

_- Umm, I have no idea how to say it._

_- Just say it._

_- I...I...I just can't. Wait._

_- Alright. Look, think it through and tell me when you are ready._

She went to do some housework. Jenny was walking around in her room. She was beyond nervous. After an hour she got tired and felt like she could tell it. So she went to the living room to tell her mother.

_- Look, I don't want you to panic or anything. Everything is alright, okay. I just did something that I shouldn't have done._

_- What is it?_ - Eve was getting worried. She panicked easily.

_- I cut myself._

_- WHAT? - she freaked out._

_- Look, it's okay. It's nothing._

_- Show me!_

_- No, it's not...don't...it's..._

Eve grabbed her arm and saw her cuts. They looked really awful. Jenny will never forget Eve's face expression when she saw them. Jenny suddenly regretted to tell her. Eve just broke down. Jenny tried to save what she still could.

_- Look, I know it looks really bad but it's alright, okay. I only told you because I wanna stop. Don't worry. Everything's gonna be okay. This is why I'm getting help. Please talk to me._

Eve was sitting on the couch and staring in front of her. Jenny ruined her. She hated herself again. She was trying to talk to her as much as she could so maybe Eve would calm down. After a while Eve could talk to her. Jenny didn't want to tell her so many details about it so Eve thought it was only a one time thing. If only she would know.

Jenny's father didn't know anything about Jenny's troubles. She didn't want him to know since she was sure that he wouldn't really care about it. He would even mock her because of it.

* * *

><p><strong>October 6, 2000<strong>

Jenny and Eve both calmed down. Jenny felt free from all the secrets and finally there was one person who knew almost everything about her, her darkest secrets and she didn't have to pretend in front of her. Jenny would never thought that it could feel that good. She also told Eve about Gibbs' reaction to her cutting and Eve was really angry at him. Jenny pulled out her razorblade from her pocket and showed it to her mother.

_- Look, this is my razorblade and I want you to witness when I throw it away in the garbage. I want to show you that I really wanna get better and it's not just an act._

She went and threw the razor into the garbage. She was a little proud of herself.

_- I'm glad you did it._

_- Me too._

They were smiling at each other. Since it was a really hard period for Jenny she needed distraction so she started smoking cigarettes instead of cutting. She didn't smoke much. She wasn't addicted. It just calmed her down.

It was really good that Jenny could spend some time with her mother. They went for a walk, did things together, it was fine. Jenny was finally hopeful about the future. The doctor said getting help was the first step to getting better. Jenny was hoping that she was right about that. She was kind of excited about therapy. She planned to make an appointment with the psychologist on Monday after she went back to New York. Jenny was proud of herself that she was brave enough to make the first step but she also knew that the journey was not gonna be easy. She also knew that she had no other choice.

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><p><strong>Okay, this was a really important chapter. I wanna know what you guys think about it so please tell me! :)<strong>


	20. Fresh start

**Dearest Lisa:** **I also really wanted Jibbs to happen on the show and it breaks my heart how their relationship ended. It's just too bad. On the show I wanted a happy ending for them but with this story I just wanted to show that not everything works out in real life. And it's true to relationships or dreams or anything in life. Sometimes things just suck. And sometimes you can realize that you are glad it didn't work out and even though it ruined you in some ways you also learned something from it. Maybe you will only realize that years later (at least in my case...I'm a little slow ;P).**

**Well, good luck with college! :)**

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><p><span><strong>To everyone who's reading this:<strong>** I really wanna hear your opinion about the story. I had some nice reviewers before and I would really wanna know what do you think now about the story because in my opinion a lot of things happened and the story developed and I'm just really interested in all of your thoughts. What do you like, what you don't like etc. I know that Lisa is not the only one who's reading this so if you guys have some minutes to write a review like she does I would really appreciate that. :)**

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><p><strong>October 8, 2000<strong>

Jenny was back at New York. She felt much better, she had plans and hope for the future, although she was also a bit scared. She thought therapy was her only chance to get better and she was worried about what if it wouldn't work? She was trying not to think about that.

She was still at home when her phone rang. It was Gibbs.

_- Hey!_

_- Hey Jenny! I just wanted to hear your voice. What's up? Do you feel better?_

_- Um, well, yeah, but let's talk about you first because a lot of things happened to me in the last few days._

_- Wow. Well, I'm okay. I'm about to go to work._

_- Yeah, me too._

_- So what happened to you?_

_- Well ..._ - Jenny told the whole story to Gibbs.

_- Wow. Well, that was unexpected. And all that just in a couple of days?_

_- Yeah, I told you. It's crazy. I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist today. I'm really excited about it actually._

_- Well, I hope everything's gonna be okay._

_- Me too._

_- I'm here for you if you need anything._

_- Thanks Jethro._ - Jenny knew that she was really going to need as much help as she could get.

_- Well, I'm glad that we could talk but I really have to go now._

_- Yeah, I have to go too. Talk to you soon._

_- __Bye Jenny!_

_- Bye Jethro!_

And they hung up. Jenny felt happy that they could still be friends.

She went to work. After work she went to the psychologist. She had mixed feelings though. She was excited to be in therapy and getting better but at the same time it really meant that she needed help and she was sick. On one hand she felt like there was nothing shameful about being in therapy and being sick but on the other hand she felt like she had to hide it from as many people as possible. She knew that talking about it with somebody meant that she had to explain why she needed therapy and then cutting would come up and then people would freak out about it and then she could say goodbye to the possibility to a normal relationship with anybody ever. She was afraid of explaining anything about herself to another person. She wanted others to understand her but she knew that for those who didn't go through something like that was hard to undestand her actions and behaviour most of the times.

She arrived to the psychologist's office. She only found her assistant there. She gave her an appointment to Wednesday. She only had to wait 2 more days. She was wondering what kind of person her doctor could be? What if they won't get along? What if she won't understand her? What if she can't help her? How should she talk to her? What kind of things she should and shouldn't say? Jenny was filled with questions. But she had to wait for the answers. 2 more days.

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><p><strong>COMING UP NEXT...THERAPY.<strong>


	21. Therapy

**So here we go. Jenny is about to share dark secrets from her past. Lisa was interested in Jenny's past before, so the time came when I'm gonna give you all the information you need to know. I hope this is gonna answer some of your questions about Jenny and why she is who she is.**

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><p><strong>October 10, 2000<strong>

The day came. There was no turning back.

Jenny went to her first therapy session with Irene Dickenson. She was excited and worried at the same time. She was sitting in the waiting room. Everything was silent. She was just waiting patiently. Suddenly the door opened and a really nice woman in her early 40s showed up. She smiled at Jenny and asked:

_- Jennifer Shepard?_

_- Yeah. That's me. Good afternoon._

_- Good afternoon. Come in._

Jenny walked into the room. It was a small room. It was lovely. Jenny didn't know what to expect.

_- Please, sit down._

_- Thank you._

Jenny sat down to one of the comfortable chairs. The other chair was Irene's. They were quite close to each other. Only a little table was between them. Irene sat down too. She held a paper and a pen in her hands. Jenny became a bit nervous. She just smiled at Irene. In a shy way. Irene smiled back.

_- So...why are you here?_

_- Um..._ - Jenny had no idea how to start. She knew she had to say something so she just let everything out as they came into her mind. _- Well, I just have a lot of problems and I realized that I can't solve them alone so I went to my doctor and I asked for a psychologist and she gave me your name._

_- I see. On your paper it said "urgent", "suicidal thoughts" ect. I guess your doctor overreacted it but it's okay._

Jenny suddenly realized that maybe she shouldn't smiling. She should look desperate and depressed like something was really wrong with her but she just couldn't. She didn't want to make the first impression to be that bad. It was her fault. She learned to hide her emotions so well and act like everything was fine that she couldn't show her real emotions. She felt like she was wearing a mask and nobody could see the real Jenny underneath. After that she really felt desperate. She knew that she had to show Irene her real feelings because if she can't then Irene couldn't help her.

_- Well, I didn't want my doctor to write "suicidal thoughts" on that paper. I didn't say that I had suicidal thoughts. I mean I said it because she asked if I had them but I told her that I wouldn't kill myself._ - she had to lie. Well, she didn't lie entirely. Jenny's doctor did ask her that and she told that she didn't want to kill herself. She didn't tell the doctor that she cut herself. She was totally afraid that the doctor would send her to the hospital like she did but if they would see the scars they wouldn't let her out for a while. She just wanted to keep it a secret as long as possible. Of course she wanted to tell Irene about her cutting, eventually. But not on the first session.

_- Okay. So tell me about yourself._

_- Um. I live here in New York. I lived in Washington before but I moved here this year. My parents live in Washington and I visit them quite often. I work as a secretary at a law firm. Before that I worked at NCIS as an agent. I don't have siblings. I live alone. I don't have friends. Um...what else should I tell?_

_- Was there something that triggered you coming here and ask for help?_

_- Actually yeah. I broke up with my boyfriend. But I don't want you to form an opinion about me because of that and that's why I didn't start with that. I don't want you to think that I'm the kinda woman who thinks that her life is over because of a man breaking up with her. That's not my main problem. It's just something that gave me the last kick, you know. I had a lot of other things happening to me. A lot of more important things than a stupid relationship. Of course he has a lot to do with me being here but I think we shouldn't start this conversation with him and what happened recently._

_- Alright. So tell me about your childhood._

Now that was the hard part for Jenny.

_- Okay. Well, I had a good childhood. At least my mom always tells me this. I had a lot of friends. I was successful in things. You have to know that I'm more likely to remember the bad stuff than the good unfortunately. I have a lot of bad memories and because of that I have a lot of anger and sadness inside of me that I can't deal with. Also I can barely cry. That's why this last week was so frustrating for me because crying became my new hobby lately. There is not a day passing by without me crying unexpectedly. It's driving me nuts. Althought the last few days were okay. I didn't cry and that's much better._

_- Why can't you cry?_

_- I don't really know. Maybe because I feel like I'm weak when I'm crying. Most importantly when I'm crying in front of another person. That's terrible. I hate myself for it._

_- I see._

_- Um... in connection with my childhood...my father was an alcoholic. Well, he still is actually._

Jenny's heart was pumping like crazy. Her voice was shaking. She had never talked about that with anybody really. She just wanted to keep it a secret. Even her friends didn't know about that.

_- And when did it start?_

_- I have no idea. My father always liked drinking. Maybe he started drinking even before I was born. It wasn't always bad. Right now I think he reached the point where the situation is just awful. I'm worried about my mom. I don't know how long she can take it. They are still living together. Not because they love each other. Because they have financial problems and they can't afford to live separately. Also, I think my father would die if he would be left alone. In a day or two. I'm serious. But that is not a life. They are fighting every single day. They just hate each other. And the worst part is that unfortunately my father is not the funny drunk type but the aggressive drunk type. He's rarely funny when he's drinking. And now he reached the point where he starts drinking in the morning. I heard him when I was staying there this weekend. I hate the smell of wine. He's always drinking wine and all those horrible memories pop up in my mind when I smell wine. I heard the clink of the bottle and the glass when I woke up in the morning. It just makes me really sad._

_- So did he ever hit you or hurt you phisically?_

_- Yeah. He did hit me once and it was really unexpected and I don't think I deserved it. I had no idea why he hit me to be honest. My mom wasn't home. If she were she wouldn't let him. Maybe he wouldn't even try to hit me in the first place. My mom is really protective. We are like best friends. I think one of the reasons my parents relationship became like this is because of me. My mom has always loved me so much and she has spent so much time with me when I was a kid that my father felt left out or something. I don't know. Their whole marriage fell apart long ago. I believe my father also blamed me. He thought that I'm always on my mother's side because she told me to but that's not true. She has never told me that. I can think individually and feel individually. I can have my own opinion. Also, at the times when my father hit me I didn't let myself so easily. I showed him I was not afraid of him. My mother hated it. She thought that I should just stay quiet. But I couldn't. Of course I didn't really have a choice when I was little. But after a while I just couldn't let him be an asshole. He hit my mom too. It wasn't serious. I mean none of us ever had a broken bone because of it or anything like that. And he didn't hit us every day just occasionally._

_- But he didn't do anything inappropriate with you...?_

_- Oh, God, no._

_- Okay. That's something._

_- You know I really wanted to hate my father. And I think I did. At times. Mostly when the next morning he didn't really remember what happened the night before. At least I think he didn't remember. But I just couldn't face him. For a couple of days I ignored him. And after that couple of days everything went back to normal like nothing happened. I hated that too. You know I was really angry at my mother sometimes. Why didn't we just leave? You know. Like other people. There was a day when I thought they are gonna get a divorce. I heard them saying it. I was broken. It was weird. It would be the right thing to do but I was broken when I heard that. I was so used to the fighting every day. The screaming. The hating on each other. And I asked my mother that day about what is going to happen. We can't go on living like this forever. And she asked me what I expect her to do? And that was the moment when I just accepted it. We just won't leave. We are gonna spend our lives like that. Of course there were a couple of times when I thought that something has to change and there's no going back from that but I was always wrong. A couple of days went by and we all acted like nothing happened. After a while it became natural to us. Also there were times when I thought this is the end and tonight someboby's gonna die or somebody won't woke up the next morning. But we always did. A person can survive a lot of things. And we can get used to the shitty things. We were and still are family. All we have is each other even if we live like this. Back then I could barely look at my father when he was drunk. I just couldn't stop crying. But not in front of him. He even laughed at me when I was telling him how I felt. He enjoyed seeing me like that. Totally desperate and crying. He just didn't care. He just wanted to hurt me. Or I'm really not sure what he wanted. And I felt weak when he saw me crying. After a while I decided not to give him the satisfaction to see me crying so I stopped. I only cried when no one could see or hear it. The funny thing is even though I know that I can't be enough in his eyes and I know that he thinks horrible things about me - I know that because he said really horrible things about me to my face or behind my back - I still want his acceptance. I still want him to love me. I'm still trying even though he doesn't deserve my love or me being nice to him, I still try to talk to him and be nice or make a joke but he always says something hurtful in the end and I hate myself for doing this. You know there are so many things I wanna share but my thoughts and feelings are all over the place and there's not enough time. So I'm sorry if I'm being random. I can't talk about this with anybody else._

_- I understand and it's okay to be random. Well, our time is up for today. Would it be good for you if we would meet on Monday?_

_- Yeah. Monday's good._

_- Okay. Well, thank you and we'll meet on Monday._

_- Alright. Thank you too. Goodbye._

_- Goodbye._

They smiled at each other and Jenny left. She stepped out of the room and it felt really weird. It was really good that she could talk about all that with somebody and she could actually trust her which was good. Irene wrote down a lot of stuff. Jenny was curious what could have those things been. She smiled and walked home. She was thinking about all the things she said. She had mixed feelings. She knew Irene won't tell anybody those things but still she didn't know if it was good how she told those things. She was so random. Poor Irene. Jenny was hoping Irene could understand her and she could help her eventually. She was really excited about their next session. It was like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Even though she knew that they were not friends but it felt like that. Her thoughts and feelings were all over the place and she knew she needed to rest a little. She arrived home. She sat down on her couch and picked up her phone. She first called her mother and told her that Irene was really nice and she liked therapy. Eve was happy to hear that. After they finished Jenny called Gibbs. They were friends and she wanted to tell him about her first session.

_- Hey, it's me, Jenny._

_- Hey. What's up?_

_- I just arrived home. I had my first therapy session today. I just wanted to tell you about it._

_- Oh, great. And how was it?_

_- It was really good. I like her. She seems nice. I'm excited._

_- That's cool._

_- Yeah. You know what? I was thinking...I'm gonna spend Christmas and New Year's Eve at my parents' house and I thought if you are free we could spend New Year's Eve together. You kow, like friends. Or do you have any plans for that?_

_- Um, no, but I don't know yet. It's so far away. I can't promise anything. _- he seemed like he just wanted to come up with a good lie.

_- Oh, I see. Yeah, I understand. It was just an idea._

_- Well, I have to go now. We'll talk soon._

_- Yeah. Well, have a nice day._

_- Thanks. Bye._

_- Bye._

And that was it. Jenny was so happy before and now she was just sitting on the couch with a sad face. She was disappointed. Not because he didn't promise anything but because when they broke up he said he wanted to be friends with her and do things with her and when he found out about Jenny's breakdown he said he'll be there for her. And now he didn't want to make plans with her because it was so far away. It was less than 3 months away. It was not so far away. He always made plans with Andy and time didn't matter to him. He just found out that Jenny went a bit crazy and he didn't want to spend time with her anymore. He was lying about the "being friends" thing. Obviously. That was why she wanted to keep these things secret. After people find out about those kind of things they leave. And Jenny realized that there were no more people she could actually lose. She believed her mother wouldn't leave her alone in this. Other than her she had no one else. Well, od course, from now on she had Irene. That felt good. Jenny finally realized that she lost Gibbs forever and she made a decision. She won't make any more effort to talk to him or be his friend. That was it for Jenny. She knew that her relationships could only work when she made an effort. When she stopped everything fell apart. Others just didn't really care about losing her. So if Gibbs would want to talk to her she would talk but that was it. Jenny had enough.

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><p><strong>REVIEWS PEOPLE! PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE! :)<strong>


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